This whole Mumsie thing....

This whole Mumsie thing is so surreal.

I think of her constantly.

I get butterflies when I am on my way to see her

and I get sad when I have to leave her.

I can't kiss her enough and although I know

there are times that it would be better for

her parents to let her cry, the minute she does

I hand her to her parents so they can comfort her.

I have a longing, when I am holding her, to go into her

quiet beautiful room and rock on the rocker her DeDa

gave to her Mommy and stare at her beautiful face.

I want to sing to her stupid songs that I make up in my head.

I want her to hear and know my voice.

I dream of things we will do together and I tell her all

about them when we are alone in her room.

I want her to always be safe,

I don't want her stomach to hurt and we cheer

when she poops....

Yes, cheer when she poops!

We are terribly smitten with this beautiful child.

I have to talk to her parents every day

and BB and I can again talk about unimportant mundane

daily events that we had lost over the course

of him becoming a man.

I have a newfound tenderness for my own babies

and my daughter-in-law.

I have to talk to BG daily too and unlike when she lived

with us, I have a new tenderness for her,

so proud of how she is learning to take care of

herself and how proud she is of herself.

My words are softer and kinder.

I try to be supportive without confusing them with

advice that comes from all ends when you have a new baby,

when you are living alone for the first time.

I know this wanting to move closer to Jilly will pass

but I am constantly thinking of how great it would be

if I lived where my precious one could come any day

she wanted but that would put me further from my own

Mumsie and Baby girl.

I love being a Mumsie but was not prepared for all

the feelings that came with it.

There is no way you can explain this to anyone else.

As I have said before, there are no words in the

English vocabulary that can explain in a proper way

and yet I would have it no other way than

to have this beautiful, perfect child be my grandaughter

and I her Mumsie.

You cannot fail...

YOU CANNOT FAIL IF YOU HAVE DONE

YOUR BEST, ONLY IF YOU HAVE NOT

DONE WHAT YOU ARE BORN TO DO.

Love this statement, especially at this time

in my life.

The older I get, the easier it is for me to decipher

what exactly I was born to do.

It has changed over the years as it should.

For me, I could never wear just one hat.

Glad I haven't since I find myself now

having to renegotiate what my future is.

Contentment abounds me.

I will be well, I will do my best,

I will accept whatever the Big Man has in store for me.

I will always find a way to give back to a world that

has been so good to me.

After 30 years of nursing, If I am to put it aside,

I will be well because my time there would be done.

All is good on the home front.

Loving life even when it is not the one I saw for me

at 47 because the fact is you can be happy no matter what.

Read an article last night about an elderly 91 year old lady

who spoke about being a burden to her daughter now

that she is bedridden. Yet she speaks that still at that age

"Living into your 90's is not all it's cracked up to be.

there are down days, when I am lonely and bored.

But there are more good days than bad, days when I look

out my bedroom windows and see blue skies

smiling at me. And I can smile back, thinking,

Just give me another season..."

She goes on to talk about how miraculous it is

at 91 to still believe that life is good and you can start anew.

I want to be that woman.

The woman who never sees life as a miserable thing

but can always find goodness and newness in every day.

Even if the day is not so good some days,

I can find goodness in every day.

Right now, many times a day

even though the last few have not been the best

I find myself reflecting and thanking God that

I do not have to work right now, so thankful

for the things HOBL has done for our future

that has me not having to worry about finances.

Life is good every day...

Glad there is no job today...

Oh I know if I had to go to a job today

I so would not make it there.

Hard to believe that a little cold front of 80 degrees

can be causing me so much havoc

but it is...

Nights with little sleep suck...

makes me have a new-found understanding

of HOBL and his insomnia issues.

Having said this, I refuse to let this back issue

take away my serenity ever again.

I refuse, on a bad day, to lie around and wallow in my

own self-pity. Cannot stand having people's sympathy.

Doesn't fit into my personality.

It is my choice to accept what is and move on.

Not working has me seeing, once again,

all I can do if I don't work.

Things I can do at my own pace, slowing down when I must.

Yesterday one of my "besties" little girl

had a band competition at Nicholls and I decided

that I wanted to go hear her perform.

I had not done something like this since my own BG

was in band. I so enjoyed my afternoon.

I did not get to see besties Jess until much later,

after she performed but I waited, I wanted her to know

that she had done a great job and that I loved watching.

The smile on her face as she crossed the street and saw me

said so much. She seemed happy and proud that I was there

to watch her. I am so glad I was there, so glad that bestie

has allowed me in her children's life.

Love that I am finding my other callings besides nursing.

Making kids happy makes me happy.

So if you need an audience for one of your chillins'

call "auntie Lil"

Thanks Jess for a great performance!

paradise in the Riera home

HOBL and I find ourselves like many

married couples who survive the first

20 something years of their marriage.

A life in our home with no children for the first time.

We were married for 9 months when Baby boy was conceived

and another 9 months before he was born and those

18 months had drugs involved in them so we

are finding ourselves, after 27 years of marriage

in a home that does not have children involved in our daily

happenings. It is a weird feeling and a really good thing.

To find out who each of us are again without having

to have the parenting thing in the middle of the relationship.

We are finding out who each other is again.

For instance, last night we both laid in our bed with each a laptop

looking at Lake houses and dreaming about the day we live in one

together. We talk more than we have in a long time and it doesn't

involve what the children need, want or what is best for them.

I am liking this. We have always been very comfortable with

each other but find ourselves spending more time together or

.... I always wondered how we would adjust to

retirement since we are such different people and have

very little in common, like very little of the same things.

I love that we allow each other to be who we are but

always coming together at the end of the day.

I like this man I married. I really do.

I always loved him but I like him too.

I look forward to the next 28 years with him.

I am so glad we did the hard work to stay together,

to commit ourselves to this marriage.

It's a good life, really it is...

I'm coming home, I'm coming home, tell the world...

Nostalgia surrounded me yesterday afternoon.

I headed down to my family church in Golden Meadow,

Our Lady of Prompt Succor to

give a presentation to 60 confirmation candidates.

As I waited for my time to present,

because I am a sappy person,

I reflected on all of my life that took place in this church

as well as the LaSalette Center where the retreat took place.

I have never had a desire to move back to the bayou

but I still call it home, always will, so proud of my home.

When it was my turn to speak they wanted to

put a microphone on me and I started with.

"I don't need that microphone, I am loud and obnoxious,

I am from Golden Meadow"

I am from Golden Meadow and in that beautiful church,

I made all my sacraments, my children made most of their sacraments.

I had my own religion teachings there as well as taught religion

there for over 10 years.

When I was introduced as a guest I had to correct that I

was not a guest, that I felt like I should break out into song,

"I'm coming home, I'm coming home, tell the world I'm coming home"

Well that got the adults laughing and the teens looking at me

like I was crazy....

The LaSalette had changed little in the many years since

I was a little girl, same floors, same sliding wooden partitions.

As a little girl, the LaSalette center was a place to hang out.

We had movie nights there, popcorn and a big pull down screen

that would show us old reel to reel movies.

It did not matter that the movies were black and white and

uninteresting, it mattered that our friends were there.

Uncle Roy used to run the building and on some Saturdays

he would come pick us up to play in the game room they had

back in the day. A pool table, fuseball and a pinball machine

was housed there and we had a blast playing them.

As a younger girl, I helped serve many weddings in that

building as my cousin, Ms. Neva would hire us to

help for weddings she cooked for.

So many memories of my little church and LaSalette center.

So proud to have been asked to speak there.

So many old friends to see,

I was comfortable there and although I know I will

never again live dtb, I will never be a guest there.

Forever to proudly call Golden Meadow home.

The road will never be too long to take me home.

out until August...

Quick note to say I will be out on medical

leave until next school year, August.

Will take this time to love up my Jilly-bean,

do some motivational speeches I have lined up

and enjoy life...

well, that was short-lived...

Before I went back to work I prayed.

I prayed that God would make it very clear to me

as to what I am supposed to do in regards

to my career, my work.

Sometime he speaks so loudly and I still don't listen.

Sometimes he has to show me more than once.

Yesterday, only the third day of work

and I had to come home

just could not climb another stair

could not squat down to look into the eyes of

one more child.

Today I find myself already not being able

to make it into work

and my mind is reeling.

I am worried.

Worried that I went back too soon

Worried that I went back just long enough

to mess up my peers who were

filling my position while I was out.

I know one thing I am not willing to go

back to what I was prior to this surgery.

No matter what, I am not willing to go back

to a nurse who has to jeopardize her family,

home and those she loves the most for the

love of a job.

I know nothing has been messed up with the sugery

I know that this surgery has been a success.

It could just be I can't do this job anymore.

So today after speaking to his nurse for a long time

yesterday afternoon I will see Donner man and make

some decisions.

Whether I should try again after Easter

or wait until next school year when

there will be no steps to worry about...

Is it time to just hang up the lab coat all together.

Through all of this I am okay.

After much deep talk and thought with

myself as well as the HOBL It is what it is

and I am okay with however this turns out.

I just feel badly that I went back for just long

enough to mess up things that were working fine

without me.

Yet even this I have to put aside.

Those who love me know I am not a whiner.

This is not something I want or thrive for

it is my life and like I have accepted all that

life has thrown at me prior to this, I will

learn to deal with this also.

I will not even end this blog with pleas for

prayers. God is in control he is speaking and I

am listening and I will know what I have to do when

the time comes.

Love to all, do not worry about me,

I am better mentally today than I have been for some time.

The little brain of a 7 year old.

While in a class yesterday, one of our

little students realized she had made a mistake

bubbling her computer card.

I explained to her that she is way smarter than me.

I would never have figured that out, I would

have just thought I had got them all wrong.

So she then goes in to this long explanation on

how she can figure these things out:

"I am very smart Nurse Lilly"

"oh, I know that"

"Well I will tell you how I do it"

"Oh, Please do tell, I need to be smarter"

"Well, you see I make this little test in my brain"

"Really, tell me more" as I wear my surprised face.

"The thing I do is when my teacher goes over the

test I put it in my little brain. I put the answers too

and it's not cheating because it's in my brain."

(Still looking at her with wide eyes and surprise)

"Then Nurse Lilly, when my teacher gives us the

answers I put that on the test in my brain.

Then when I take the real test, I just look at the test

in my brain and there are the answers"

"Wow" I say "I wish I had known this when I was your age"

"I know my answers are right because I check the test in

my little brain"

I am so glad for her little brain...

Her little brain can change the world...

and I get to do this every day,

and they pay me to do it....

Oh what a wonderful world!

Review of Day One btw

nope btw not standing for by the way but for:

BACK TO WORK

I did it, I did it!!!!

It was a good day but I'd be lying if a few times during

the day I was so overwhelmed that I longed for my

days at home when I could make my own agenda.

Yet it was fantastical....

Our guidance counselor told me at lunch

that the buzz in the cafeteria was that someone

"Saw nurse Lilly"

then one of the big 5th grade boys said,

"The real Nurse Lilly?"

He was assured that it was the real one, no impostor

and he began to chant my name and the other 5th graders

joined him....

How sweet is that?

Our counselor was surprised because it was a 5th grade

boy who started and I reminded her that I have been those 5th graders

nurse since they were in Pre-K so I am "their nurse".

I can only explain how I was by the end of the day by

saying I was exhausted but better than on my very

best day before surgery.

I consider that a wonderful thing!

So many of my school babies just had to find a reason

to visit me and boy did they make up some things.

Mostly though, I just visited each class and said hey.

So many of my peers wanted to know about our

wonderful Jillian.

After explaining just how great I think she is

I had to share that right now

I wish I could just put Jilly-bean, Kd and Roddie

in a bubble around their house,

where the world cannot touch them for the

next 21 years so the world cannot mess up

the perfectly wonderful love they feel and have right now.

Ugh how the world complicates things sometimes.

Again, I pray that this love can carry them through all

the troubled times they may face.

Thanks to all who have cheered me on to this

return to work, thanks to all who held down

my fort at TES.

Forever grateful to those people!!!!!

TGIM

My nephew, little Miki

(not to mistaken with me BFOB big mikie,

two separate entities)

has a habit of posting on facebook

TGIM every monday.

We believe in faking it until you make it

but for me this early Monday morning, I say:

THANK GOD ITS MONDAY

Today I rejoin the working class,

today I put aside illness and healing

and become a member of a society

that I love.

Today I get to Nurse again!!!

Excited an nervous,

like the first day of school but like

when it's only the first day for you.

I couldn't sleep last night with excitement.

Ready to see all my peeps,

ready to focus on things other than myself.

Ready to be tired....

Thank God it's Monday!

dedicated to all those who love me...

Too much gratitude in my heart right now.

You understand how my morning walking excursions

always get me thinking.

Yesterday Jodee Messina has me in awe

of the fact that I am a grandmother and I

believe that the only reason I am here to have

this wonderful Mumsie life is because so many people

have loved me so much that they would not give up on me,

EVER...

So today I dedicate these words to all those who have loved me

and still love me today:

My parents, my siblings, my nieces and nephews,

Aunts and uncles, cousins.

To my HOBL and my babies

to my KD and to our newest member, Jilly, who makes

this circle come all the way around:

BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME

I DON'T KNOW HOW I SURVIVED

IN THIS COLD AND EMPTY WORLD FOR ALL THIS TIME

I ONLY KNOW THAT I'M ALIVE

BECAUSE YOU LOVED ME.

WHEN I RECALL WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH

THERE'S SOME THINGS

THAT I WISH I DIDN'T DO

NOW I DO THE THINGS I DO

BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME

AND NOW THAT YOU'RE IN MY LIFE

I'M SO GLAD I'M ALIVE

'CAUSE YOU SHOWED ME THE WAY

AND I KNOW NOW HOW GOOD IT CAN BE

BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME.

I BELIEVE IN THINGS UNSEEN

I BELIEVE IN THE MESSAGE OF A DREAM

AND I BELIEVE IN WHAT YOU ARE

BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME

WITH ALL MY HEART AND ALL MY SOUL

I'M LOVING YOU AND I NEVER WILL LET GO

AND EVERYDAY I'LL LET IT SHOW

BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME

can't get enough...

Yesterday had to go see my Jilly-bean again!!!

I am not a car person, hate driving and riding

and yet the hour to Plaquemine now feels like

the distance to Walmart.

Then right when I turn into Kirtley drive

where part of my little family lives

I get butterflies in my belly, can't wait to

see that child!

Yesterday was an added bonus because

I walked in with my friend, Becky to take

her newborn pictures and Baby girl was holding

our little one. Jilly was in her T-Tie's tutu

and baby boy was playing his guitar and serenading

all of them. I got te-clempte at the viewing of them.

You know te-clempte used to be said back in the day

on Saturday Night Live

when they meant choked up, wanting to cry...

that was me yesterday a few times.

Oh I am so busting at the seams for love of my children,

my grandbaby and Frank and Cathy's beautiful daughter

that I get to call my daughter in law!

RELEASED!!!!!!!

Went to the infamous Dr. Donner yesterday

and......

YAYAYAYAYAYAYYA

released to go back to work on Monday!

I am so fantastically excited to see my

work friends and most importantly my school babies!

Donner was so very proud of himself and me

when I told him I was doing things

I had not done in 4 years like

walking, riding my bike,

working in my yard, mopping!!!

Oh life is so good these days!!!!

Many said that I would not want to go back to work

when Jilly-bean came but actually

having her has made me want to go back to work more.

I want to be a young and vibrant Mumsie.

I want to be the kind of Mumsie who not takes

her to the park but plays with her at the park.

I want to be the kind of Mumsie that when

we visit each other it will be full of adventures

and learning. I want to be the kind of Mumsie

that she knows gives to the children of the World

so her world can hopefully be better.

I also want to be the kind of Mumsie who has a job

that gives me all holidays off and summers off

to spend precious times with the ones I love.

I want to be the kind of Mumsie that earns her

own spending money so that I never have to

worry about where she and I's next adventure

will be funded by.

I want to be a Mumsie that she will be proud of.

So I go back to work on Monday

for myself, for the children,

and most importantly for our Jilly-bean.

May she always admire the ones who are

in her life.

Kiss your children

"DO NOT KISS YOUR CHILDREN

SO THEY WILL KISS YOU BACK

BUT SO YOUR CHILDREN

WILL KISS THEIR CHILDREN,

AND THEIR CHILDREN'S CHILDREN"

noah benshea

I am so glad BB and KD got lots of loving when

they were little ones because

they surely are loving up and kissing

on Jilly-bean.

Jillian with her Guilbeau grandaparents,

Frank and Cathy

Four generations right there....

Grampy singing and rocking his "sweatpea"

which is what he has taken to calling Jillian

because he says she is as cute as the baby on Popeye

Such a good Mommy Kd is!

PEACE ON EARTH

In the last few weeks it has been difficult for me

to watch the news.

The whole Japan thing and the fears they are living

with the nuclear threat give me fears for our

Jilly-bean's world.

I think much and often of how I do not think I

would be courageous enough to raise children

in this world we call home.

So much has changed in such a short time.

I did not have to worry about internet and cell phone usage

when my babies were young.

The world was not as uncertain as it is now.

I know it has affected me more in the last few

weeks because of our precious Jillian now being part of it.

I think of her and how her world will know so much

conflict and fears.

How hard it will be for her parents to make the decisions

as she gets older to protect her from the

fast growing world wide web.

I sometimes think too much

because I know that KD and BB will think of

everything before they make decisions for her

and I know that they will raise her with the simplicity of

the childhood they were blessed with.

The kind that is filled with playing outside

and being tucked in at night.

Yet I still want the whole world to be that simple.

I want Jilly to never have to worry about the uncertain

world she now lives in and, on the other hand,

I understand that her world will be completely

different than it was just 25 years ago.

My man, bono of U2 sings it eloquently for me,

it is why I love him.

PEACE ON EARTH, WE NEED IT NOW

I'M SICK OF ALL OF THIS HANGING AROUND

SICK OF SORROW, SICK OF THE PAIN

I'M SICK OF HEARING AGAIN AND AGAIN

THAT THERE'S GOING TO BE PEACE ON EARTH...

JESUS CAN YOU TAKE THE TIME

TO THROW A DROWNING MAN A LINE?

PEACE ON EARTH

TELL THE ONES WHO HEAR NO SOUND

WHO'S SONS ARE LIVING IN THE GROUND

PEACE ON EARTH

NO ONE CRIES LIKE A MOTHER CRIES

FOR PEACE ON EARTH

JESUS AND THE SONG YOU WROTE

THE WORDS ARE STICKING IN OUR THROAT

PEACE ON EARTH

HEAR IT EVERY CHRISTMAS TIME

BUT HOPE AND HISTORY JUST WON'T RHYME

SO WHAT IT'S WORTH

PEACE ON EARTH

I will pray like I have never prayed before for

Peace, peace in our families, peace in our communities

peace in the states and peace in the world.

I want it for our new little girl.

I love her so!

Day 2 of Mumsiehood

What can be said for this picture....

Can my heart get any warmer for this little family.

Kd and BB are in awe of little Jillian.

BB could not stop bragging about how strong the doctor

said she was and Kd glowed.

Gramps finally got to hold his little grandaugher, yesterday

he was getting over a cold.

He is so much softer than he was just 25 year ago.

Yesterday I heard him talking to the pups and

he said to Trixie,

"Deda has another T-girl to love"

He didn't know I was listening how cute is that!

There is something very endearing about a gramps

covered with tattoos loving his little bitty grandaugher.

On the way home his comment was,

"She is so much cuter than our own babies were"

Such a softie in his old age.

Her parents here adding the "love rub"

a memory came back to me while watching them lather

her up with baby lotion.

When the babies were young and needed vapor rub on

their chest I called it "love rub"

I hadn't thought of that in many, many years.

So I am now going to call any rubs that are slathered

on our Jilly-bean love rubs...

Oh she has come to teach us things....

So much she is already teaching us,

how to be more gentler not only with her but

with each other.

To try and judge less and forgive others

because we do not know what the future

has in store for our own little girl.

Oh she will teach us so, so much more than

we will ever teach her!

Hello World!

We welcomed Jillian Grace Riera into the world,

yesterday on 3/13/11 at 10:43 am

She is 7 pounds, 5 ounces of pure perfection

and my heart has melted for this child.

There are no words in this worldly vocabulary to express what

this child has done to me, Yes this Mumsie is free from

words and explanations because none seem good enough.

Pictures can tell part of the story, look at BB's face

as he watches his wife hold his child for the first time.

To have been able to not only witness Jillian's birth

but also to help Kd, BB and her mom coach and encourage

the process of a birth is nothing short of a miracle.

I did not think it was possible to love my daughter-in-law

more than I already did but to see her, doing all

it took to make sure this little girl came into the world

as safely as she could has me with so much tenderness

in my heart for her. She was a trooper and a true

inspiration to me. I feel a new bond with her,

the bond of motherhood.

No one will ever be able to replace her,

she is the mother of my grandchild

and I will forever adore her.

To see my first born little boy, who taught me what is was

to mother, witness the first breath of his first born, to watch

him praise his wife and become a daddy in a matter of minutes

will forever be a memory I will never take for granted.

I don't know all he said to his little girl during their first

conversation but she was definitely listening.

To see so much of her mommy in this precious child but

her daddy's lips brought me to tears more than once.

I always believed that my babies were the most perfect

then Jillian came along to prove me wrong.

BG and Kd's brother Frankie instantly became godparents

and aside from a sad movie it takes much to make BG cry

yet this little 7 pound girl did it to her.

Jillian will be the one to melt that gaga heart more than once.

Then in a matter of moments, these two went from being

a couple to a family. It came as instinct for the both of them.

I like to think their parents had something to do with that.

My wishes for them:

That they never, ever forget what this type of love

feels like, may it carry them through any rough spots they

may ever have in their marriage and that they

always take this little girl's future into consideration

when decisions are being made.

They now understand what real unconditional love

feels like, the kind that you would move

mountains for.

Thank you Kd and BABY Boy for loving each other

enough to bring Jillian into the world and

making me a Mumsie.

There is no greater gift.

(I am so glad we took that trip to Alaska ;^)

wet aunt Jeanie kisses

I probably should be blogging about the

Japan Tsunami disaster but it is too depressing for me

today as we prepare for our little Jillian.

So, yesterday was speaking to my cousin, Fay

on facebook and explaining wet aunt Jeanie kisses

and realized many do not even know what that means

when I sign,

"Wet Aunt Jeanie kisses"

Figured it was warranting a blog entry on this

beautiful Saturday Morning.

I have this wonderful Aunt Jeanette.

She loves big and a lot.

The one thing she is known for in our family

is her wet kisses.

While growing up you could not escape

the kiss of Aunt Jeanie.

It consisted of a big, big pucker that

was saliva stained and left its mark

long after the kiss was planted.

I loved those kisses but not every one did.

So when you kissed someone and the wetness

stayed for some time it was called an

Aunt Jeanie kiss.

Here came the babies and I slathered them with

big wet Aunt Jeanie kisses.

Although they didn't know Aunt Jeanie like I did

they knew the story and when they received the

real ones from Aunt Jeanie at Mardi Gras time they

understood just what a Aunt Jeanie kiss consisted of.

So they, the babies, perfected the kiss.

You had to lick your lips really, really good

around and around until they were really wet

then the pucker had to be big, big so as

to leave the wetness on the person receiving

for a long long time.

The babies perfected the kiss and I am pretty good

at giving them.

So if ever you get a letter or email from me and the

salutation says,

"Big wet Aunt Jeanie kisses to you"

you know exactly what you are getting

the best kiss ever!

311

HOBL and I are finished nesting...

You can come out now Jillian...

I cannot ever have the date of 311 pass

without thinking of Robert.

He and Baby boy loved the band 311

before they were ever as popular as they are now.

Rob was the man with the music even

way back when he was in the third grade.

I do not know when 311 put their band together

but Rob knew and loved them before they

knew they would be famous and as BB

said in a song he wrote about Rob years ago,

"My love from music came from yours"

Yes, bb and Robert danced and sang around my living room

more than a dozen times to the music of 311.

It was not surprising that at Robert's funeral 311

was played and when 311 toured the same year on the date

of 311 they dedicated a song to our Robert.

So wouldn't it be the best gift, the laugh of Robert

from a land none of us have seen to have one of

his best buds from childhood have a hand in little

Jillian being born today.

on 3/11/11

coming only once in a lifetime.

No pressure dear Rob, no pressure

but I do believe BB would think of you if this

baby came to be born on this most magnificent day.

I won't hold it against you dear Rob if Jillian refuses

to be born today, she tends to have a mind of her own.

However, if you have any pull with this innocent child

and the Big Man upstairs, we will take it.

Thinking of you often and especially this day my love.

... and lent begins

I WOULD RATHER LIVE MY LIFE AS IF

THERE IS A GOD AND DIE TO FIND OUT THERE ISN'T,

THAN TO LIVE MY LIFE AS IF THERE ISN'T

AND DIE TO FIND OUT THAT THERE IS.

albert camus

Yesterday I received my ritual ashes to my forehead

to begin the lenten season.

I love the season of lent.

I do not believe that because I had ashes placed

to my forehead that I am a better christian than most.

I do not believe even that you have to attend any mass

or organized religion to find yourself in heaven.

I do believe that The Big Man cares more about how

you live your life rather than whether you worship him or not.

I do believe that I love my Catholic faith however.

I adore the history of the mass, how it has stayed

basically the same over hundreds of years.

I do not believe in all the Catholic faith does or says

or even what they say we have to do to be right with God.

I just love belonging to this faith.

I love lenten season because for me it is a new beginning.

The sun shines during lenten season, flowers grow,

the days become long and I pray more.

I love the Way of the Cross and the idea of attending

church every Friday morning to recite this habit of

the Catholic faith.

I am more apt to keep my lenten promises than I am

to keep a New years resolution.

Why I don't know except that I usually dedicate

that promise to someone I love who is suffering at the moment.

So chocolate is out as is sweets and junk foods.

HOBL and I are spring cleaning the abode

... does it count if the grandparents are nesting

or does it have to be the Mommy to have a baby....

apartment pics

Not the best of pictures of the baby girl's apartment

but you can get the idea of what a cute lil home

she has to spend her first days as an adult.

Saturday herself, myself and HOBL painted

from 8am to 1030pm and Monday

bb and kd came to help move furniture.

The deed is done and the girl is loving her new

found independence....

Lane Hope chest

In reading Simple Abundance

I am reminded of a family tradition we once had in

the Collins home.

When a girl graduated we received a Lane Hope chest

from our parents.

I had not thought of my Hope chest in many years,

reminded today by a reading in SA.

Children today do not even know what a Hope chest is for.

It saddens me to realize that the tradition has died.

It was a source of excitement my senior year

knowing that I could choose my Lane Chest.

Dad didn't care which one I got or how much

it costed, we all got one.

I wanted one with a seat on the top so I began

looking at all Lane made until I found the

one that I loved.

It smelled cedar, all of the Lane chests were cedar.

It had the most awesome seat on the top.

When given to me at graduation I right away began

to fill it with those things that young girls at the time

were told needed to go into it.

Things like dish towel, dishes, bed linens.

I had fun filling the chest.

After marriage the chest was empty and I began

to fill mines with things that meant something to me.

Cards given to me from loved ones,

things I had written, my journals.

Then Hurricane Juan came and flooded our home.

The Lane chest was lost, my sister, Veronica lost hers too.

It was probably the one thing that I cried the most over loosing.

It was the last gift I think I had gotten from my daddy before

he died two years after giving me the gift.

I thought of trying to salvage it but that could not be.

The waters of Juan had taken that tradition with it.

Today I realize that the tradition has died not just in our

home but in the homes of most in Louisiana.

We now live in a world that if you need/want something

you can usually just buy it.

Most of today younger generation don't even

understand the concept of a HOPE chest.

What a great thing it would be if we brought this love

for a chest back alive.

I do believe Jillian will have a Hope chest when she graduates

from high school. Then I can help her fill it with all those

things she may one day need in her adult life.

When I go on my treasure adventures and spot a wooden box,

because I love wooden boxes, I always look for the Lane name

in them. Back in the day, the Lane company made small

versions of their cedar boxes to give to each who purchased

the full sized versions of a chest.

I have two engraved with the Lane name that I found on one of

those treasure hunts.

So you ladies reading this, or you daddy's:

speak to your daughters about Hope chests and what their

purpose and meaning once was.

HOPE one thing we can all use more of.

delivery news

Was going to try and wait until tomorrow to post

my most exciting news yet I am beside myself

for what I just found out today.

In conversation with Kd today she

asked me if I would be in the delivery room

with she and BB and her mom.

WHAT?!!!! ARE YOU JOKING?!!!!

LIKE DO NOT EVEN TEASE ME LIKE THIS!!!

She couldn't believe that I didn't even know this.

She was sure she had told me before but

figured she had not since her mom was just as excited

as I was when she told her mom.

BB said that she could not have told me saying,

"My momma would not have forgotten that"

This is such a big deal for me.

I mean like to see Jillian take her first breath,

to see my Baby boy's face the minute he sees his

child for the first time.

To see my daughter-in-law give my son and all of us

the best gift ever, the gift of life will make us closer

than before if that is possible.

I am overflowing with excitement and gratitude.

What a bond that will bring me with our little girl.

This child will be the luckiest child.

So many of us loving her, having a hand in her life.

I dream of her sometimes,

in every dream she is the sweetest most precious little girl.

She has blonde curly hair with blue eyes and that

olive complexion of her daddy.

Time is coming soon.

Anytime you are ready, Jilly, anytime you can come

and bless us with your prescence.

ready to move on

Yes, I am ready to move on from this back surgery stuff.

Physical therapy is getting easier,

I am doing all those things that I could not do

prior to surgery like walking, riding my bike,

working in my yard, mopping my floor,

all those things that used to be complicated

and cause days of pain are getting easier.

Some days there is still discomfort but nothing I can't live with.

So now the days are getting long and i am itching to

get back to my old normal days.

Yet physical therapy thinks I need a few more weeks.

Uhhh, come the 17th, our Jilly bean will be born

and I am still pushing for returning to work

on the 21st of March.

It has come to the point where I need to prove to

myself that I can do this, better than ever.

Part of my heart remains at TES

I miss my friends, I miss thinking of others besides myself.

I miss my babies and the hugs and smiles from them.

I miss having somewhere to go on weekdays.

I miss laughing and playing with my peers

as we make differences in children's lives.

I miss a life outside of my family, one that

belongs to me that they are not part of.

So second only to the birth of Jilly

and the happiness that will bring to my Kd and bb,

to myself and HOBL and BG,

I long to move on the the working class

where when you get a paycheck each month it

is for a job well done.

Two things to look forward to,

our munchkin and a return to work.

I am ready to move on!

(Happy birthday to T-Tie.)

coming soon:

I spent the day yesterday with my

friend Patricia and her little girl me-me

who was home from school not feeling well.

I love Patricia's children. Me-me is still a student

at TES and her big sis was, prior to moving on to

Middle school. During our day Patricia brought up

the topic of becoming a grandmommy soon

and how she wished she could be there just to see

me on the day of her birth.

I can't even imagine what that day will be like for me.

Sometimes I can't grasp what all tell me about the event

how much my love for this little girl will be.

I share this with P. and she says to me

that she just knows me and I am going to be

so emotional that day.

She is probably right, I mean I can't even see a strangers

baby without getting all warm and fuzzy inside.

P. got me thinking about the idea of this child being

partially a part of me. My child's child made with

the love of his life....

Oh just this thought gives me butterflies in my belly.

During the day me-me comes to me in the kitchen

for a long extended hug as we sway and dance

and I rub her back and kiss her head.

Her mother looks at us and has that smile on her face

that tells me oh if I can be this way with a friends

little girl, I will be puddy in the hands of my little

grandaughter. As I leave P's house after coffee and dessert

with two more of our school friends, Steph and Amanda,

I get love from P's babies as I go to leave they leave their

bikes to give me extra long kisses and hugs

and wave and send kisses the whole time I am backing out.

Then for one moment I get a glimpse of what being a grandmother

will be. My little Jilly-bean sending me love and kisses as I back

out of her own driveway, I get a lump in my throat.

She can not come soon enough, our little miracle.