I JUST COULDN'T DO IT

I write this morning not for

acceptance nor for anyone to tell me "It's okay"

I write it simply to show that we are all human

and all weak when it comes to certain areas.

I write to show that even though I find myself

a pretty good friend, today, I am not that.

I could not find the courage nor the mental strength

to go to Lisa's wake or funeral.

I am ashamed of my weakness and know that I may

have to learn to live with my regret.

Because, I know seeing me at this funeral, may have

given her mother, my dear friend, comfort.

I will make amends to her in the next few days

as I always do when it is necessary.

I will have to accept my decision if she cannot forgive me.

I know myself well enough to know that in the next

few days I will tell myself many times,

"If you think it was hard for you, just think how

hard it was for them"

Yet, I cannot lie to myself nor to my friend, nor to

those who I love and who love me

that even though 8 years have passed,

It would still be my son I see in that coffin,

my daughters struggle in her sisters eyes,

and my pain I see in my dear friends face.

Today I am weak, today I could not do it.