Survivors Guilt

Thoughts this morning are still only for 

Lauren and Eric and their parents, their families.

I struggle with whether or not I should write this blog at all.

I want my blog to be about issues surrounding my life

but I also want it to help people to see they are not the only

ones who feel the way I do.

To nod their heads as they read, thinking

"Yes! That is exactly how I feel!"

So this morning I will do it, I will talk of survivor's guilt.

I cannot, cannot get this young couple off my mind.

I, like my whole family are trying to grasp why this has happened.

It just does not make sense. The death of a baby.

We keep talking about it amongst ourselves

worrying about Lauren, worrying about Eric.

Wanting Thomas to have his Mommy and Daddy the way they were

before this tragedy.

I read something yesterday a mother who lost her infant son 

wrote saying even though she had him for only a few weeks,

she would do it all again just to hold him and kiss him again.

I am not sure how I would feel....

would I rather not go through the pain or would a few days

with this precious child be worth the pain that followed his death.

I know, I am rambling, it's what my mind has been doing since 

I found out about baby Tanner's death.

I really want to talk about the survivor's guilt that so many are feeling today.

We are in such pain for these young parents, want to do something

to make it all better. None of us want them to hurt.

Yet there is that other part in us, we are so thankful for what we have.

So thankful that it is not us having to bury a baby.

So thankful that we have our bean.

Yesterday, all of us wanted to see Bean, hold her, kiss her, be with her.

We all were reminded just what a miracle the life of a baby is and

how fragile their lives really are.

Then with all of this there is that guilt,

feeling terrible because of the feelings we have.

Feeling like a terrible person because we are breathing sighs of relief

that it is not us because we know we just would not be strong enough

to go through this.

Survivors guilt is normal at a time like this but makes the pain 

for your friends even more painful.

It is not a good feeling, there is nothing that gives comfort

this morning to any of us. I don't want to preach.

I don't want to say how God knows what he is doing and God 

knows why. I am angry at my Big Man.

I still know though that he exists and he expects us to be angry.

If you are feeling survivors guilt, know you are not alone.

As I told BB this morning,

there is no way around it, it sucks all the way around,

it's not fair, it's not right.

Thomas will be the savior here, he will be the one

who helps his parents and grandparents out of this terrible tragedy.

He doesn't understand what is happening so he, like Bean at this age,

will continue to do all those cute things that you cannot help but laugh at.

He will hug his Mommy and Daddy tight, call their names, continue to 

be the happy little boy he is and in that way, he will save his 

Mommy and Daddy.

For this I pray.