Sometimes I love days like yesterday

Yes, sometimes I love days where all it does is rain

and I can stay in my pj's without having anywhere to go.

I even took a much needed nap....

even though they make me feel lazy, sometimes I love a nap.

I also did a lot of journaling yesterday because

I have been a head of confusion lately trying

to figure out just what I am supposed to be doing

with this ill health of mines.

For some, it seems so easy,

"Just retire, Lil, you don't have to work"

Yes, it may be that easy for some but for me at 47 years old

it is much more complicated than that.

I have nursed since I was 19 years old, it is as much a part

of me as being a mother to my two children is.

I never imagined that my career would be over at 47

and I can't even fathom the idea of never nursing again

without it bringing tears to my eyes.

Yet I have to weigh the fact that because I am being

selfish about my career others are missing out on

what they expect from me.

My great nieces and nephews know that if there is any way

possible for me to be there for their functions,

their birthday parties, their life I will be there.

Yet because a day of work just wears me out,

I am missing these things that are also important to me.

Acceptance of this new way of life is still not there for me.

I guess it is because growing up and having my children

I have had some weird medical things but nothing that lingered

or became a something I had to accept as part of my life.

I never had to think of the fact that I had one kidney or

radiation had damaged my body in a way that would cause

me to suffer as an older person.

I am glad I didn't think about it, I am happy I had all those years.

So yesterday I spent a lot of time thinking about all of this.

I am not going to give up without a fight.

I work in a three story air conditioned building.

I am always there an hour before my punch-in-time

so I am going to start trying to walk this building.

The pain is there anyway so I might as well give my body a reason

to hurt and what if in actuality it helps me in the long run.

I know I have to loose weight, maybe this is what will

help this pain also.

Today I am going to put away depressed eating which means

basically when I can't do anything physical, I eat....

Today I am going to try and begin eating healthier.

Yes, just like most of my readers,

I have said this all so many times before

and maybe this time will end up just like all the other times

that I tried to do these things

but at least for today I have a plan and I do well with plans...

If I am going to give up nursing, it will be after a

long fight... and I have some fight in me....

Happy Monday, next Monday.... off!!!!