meeting up with my inner child

Get ready, this one will be long...

So I haven't been myself, not sleeping well.

Last night after having a good conversation with one of

my besties, Laurie and Speaking with HOBL

I convince myself to try another Ambien in hopes

that I can get at least one good night of sleep.

OMG what an experience it is when you meet up with your

own inner child in a dream.

This is how it went in the best way I can put it into words

because it is hard to put dream experiences into words.

I am walking the halls of Hotel Thibodaux Regional

well, trying to walk the halls, I had HOBL and a walker

and I know it was the day after my back surgery and I

was struggling. As I hobbled down the hall coming

towards me was a 196o'sh form of a hospital hall

and there coming towards me was a little girl in

a pink negligee' with a pink ribbon in her hair.

She was sitting in a wheelchair and she was whining.

Standing behind her was her mom and dad, my mom and dad.

To their side was my sister, Veronica holding my niece Tiffy.

Holding on to the armrest of the wheelchair was my sister C.

She was little and cute of course.

I know immediately that the little tyke in the wheel chair

with IV's attached was me, my 5 year old self.

We meet up at the nurses station and my adult self stops

pretending to rest but really to eavesdrop because I am in awe

of the fact that this is me in 1968, right after having a kidney removed.

I know the little girl is hurting because she is me.

The nurse at the station is a form of the 1960's version.

The nurse fusses the parents of this little girl.

She tells them that she must walk, she can't ride in

the wheelchair, she won't get better by riding in a wheelchair.

Daddy takes the little girl out of the chair and makes her

push the wheelchair. She cries and fusses but she does it.

the family turns and I am now following, me and HOBL

behind the group.

Just as soon as the group turns the corner where the nurse

is no longer able to see them, Daddy picks up his precious little girl

and holds her close to him.

Her little face looks at me, our eyes meet.

I know I am looking at myself and she smiles,

she smiles that sneaky grin, the tenacity of the both

of us shows through and she winks at me.

She knows too that she is looking at herself and she

knows I will be okay and she lets me know with that sheepish smile

that this is all going to be okay, part of the journey.

I awaken this morning with pain and with more

optimism than I have had since the first day of this surgery.

This will be my last surgery unless it is life threatening.

I know that, and I know that this little girl lives inside

of me and she is the part of me that is happy and outgoing

and optimistic. She is the part of me that refuses to give up

no matter what and the part of me that refuses to grow up.

I live for her, I live for me and I will be okay.

I know I will, she told me so...