thoughts the day before surgery

I had been afraid since I found out about this surgery

I am having and I was sharing with some other friends

who also loved Gina B. that Monday was a really hard

day for me and so at about 6:00pm I went into my scraproom

and told myself that this fear was ridiculous and I needed

to stop it. At 6:30pm I felt a peace and the fear was gone,

the thought I had been having seemed silly.

I texted Patricia and we spoke of Gina B.

and I made the comment that I didn't know why

but I knew Gina B. was aggravated and her time to leave us

was coming. I ended the text with,

"No one told me this, I just have a feeling"

At 7:15 Patricia called to say Gina B. had passed and from that

moment on I had no fears of this surgery.

That is until yesterday, yesterday the fears came back.

In talking with the sista's, Veronica and C.

They want me to say exactly what I am scared of.

Well, it is not that easy to pinpoint but I know they

are all normal fears.

The one thing I am so not afraid of is dying.

I know that is hard for some to believe and HOBL will

say that is not true but ever since at 5 years old I faced

death it has never been something I fear.

I have tried to live my life in the way that if I died that day,

I would be okay. I am more afraid of living.

Living with this chronic pain, afraid of if this

surgery was the right decision and if I will be worse than now.

It is easy to say not to worry about this and most moments

I can but I know these are normal but to pretend

they don't exist, would make me a liar to my readers.

I shared this on preadmit with the anesthetist and she

promised me that she was ordering me a pre-shot that

would help me with this.

I will give you a funny fear:

my babies are talking about bringing the video camera

to the hospital because tomorrow baby boy and KD

also go for ultrasound to find out for sure what Eskimo Pie's

sex is. If those babies tape me on drugs and put that on the

internet I promise you my dear readers,

that they are both out of the will.

Love to all as this afternoon I begin bowel cleansing...

oh the joys of abdominal surgery.