Many thoughts on baby girl this morning...

In those early mornings I can't sleep these days it is baby girl I think of. Soon she will find out if she was accepted into a program called City Year where she will be sent to either New York or Rhode Island for 10 months to work in poor and underprivileged areas with children who have very little. Before we get into whether this is safe or not, let me just tell all that I have done my parenting homework, it is not only a safe program but highly sponsored and monitored by the program itself. I am excited for her. As much as I fuss about how messy she is and that she is a procrastinator, this child is also a dear friend of mine.

We are almost to the point that unless she asks for my advice we are more friends. I am proud of her tenacity. I am proud of how she is not afraid to try new things even if it means leaving those people and things you love the most. I am okay with this trip and even though I told her I am not going to be able to go to the airport because I will cry my eyes out and she said I couldn't cry, I am cheering her on because unlike many who wish they could or would

have done these types of things either now or when

they were young, my BG, she is a doer when it comes to trying

new things, far, far, away.

This would be for 10 months and I was really okay with it.

The part that has had me thinking a lot and making me

miss my little BG is the part that says to her mother

that no matter what, whether she gets the program or not,

She will have one more semester living at her home and

then she is feeling the need to move on.

As I was telling sister V. last night,

I know this has to happen and I know I have said

soooo many times, "Oh when this child goes, my house

will always be clean, I will always be able to find those

things that she borrows but never remembers to pick up"

I am proud of her decision, I am cheering her on.

I am so darn proud of the fact that she knows she will

be doing this with very little financial help from

her parents and that is part of her excitement,

to do it on her own.

I am encouraging her that by the time I was her age

I was already married and pregnant for her brother

and that there comes a point in time that it is time

to move on and become independent, to try

and make it on your own without anyone

to tell you how or what to do.

I tell her I don't blame her but I also

tell her how much I will miss her, how

easy it has been to raise her,

that aside from about 6 months of her 20 year

old life, she has been the easiest and most pleasant

child to raise.

Yes, she still doesn't do things the way I would

like her to, yes she still waits until the last minute

to finish things that I feel are important.

Yes, her mouth is sometimes a potty-mouth...

Yet I, without this child in my life everyday,

will be a different woman.

Not a bad woman, not a depressed woman,

just different because

she has been the constant in my life for the

last 4 years, she is my friend

and I will be one lonesome momma.

However, she is who I wish I had had the courage to

be at her age.

I fell in love too early, got married too early, had

a baby too early....

I do not regret the decisions I made and I

for sure do not regret the life I lead with my HOBL

who just yesterday I was thanking for just

how easy, because of all his and my hard work,

our lives are already at such a young age.

However, there were many things I dreamed of

doing before the whole marriage and kid thing

that I never got around to.

BG is living the life that she wants.....

That will not ease the days it takes for me to get used

to my life without her in it every day.

You, go BG and make a difference in this

wide, wide, world.

You have my support and most importantly

you have my heart.