well, that was short-lived...

Before I went back to work I prayed.

I prayed that God would make it very clear to me

as to what I am supposed to do in regards

to my career, my work.

Sometime he speaks so loudly and I still don't listen.

Sometimes he has to show me more than once.

Yesterday, only the third day of work

and I had to come home

just could not climb another stair

could not squat down to look into the eyes of

one more child.

Today I find myself already not being able

to make it into work

and my mind is reeling.

I am worried.

Worried that I went back too soon

Worried that I went back just long enough

to mess up my peers who were

filling my position while I was out.

I know one thing I am not willing to go

back to what I was prior to this surgery.

No matter what, I am not willing to go back

to a nurse who has to jeopardize her family,

home and those she loves the most for the

love of a job.

I know nothing has been messed up with the sugery

I know that this surgery has been a success.

It could just be I can't do this job anymore.

So today after speaking to his nurse for a long time

yesterday afternoon I will see Donner man and make

some decisions.

Whether I should try again after Easter

or wait until next school year when

there will be no steps to worry about...

Is it time to just hang up the lab coat all together.

Through all of this I am okay.

After much deep talk and thought with

myself as well as the HOBL It is what it is

and I am okay with however this turns out.

I just feel badly that I went back for just long

enough to mess up things that were working fine

without me.

Yet even this I have to put aside.

Those who love me know I am not a whiner.

This is not something I want or thrive for

it is my life and like I have accepted all that

life has thrown at me prior to this, I will

learn to deal with this also.

I will not even end this blog with pleas for

prayers. God is in control he is speaking and I

am listening and I will know what I have to do when

the time comes.

Love to all, do not worry about me,

I am better mentally today than I have been for some time.