Rethinking decisions made

Today was one of those days.

Those days that the mind and the body are on different pages.

I wanted to make it to work, even after not sleeping

much for two nights because of pain.

I dressed and convinced myself that I could make it.

I tried to tell myself that I could hurt at home just

as I could hurt at work.

I went to Rousse's to get something for HOBL before

work and I just knew it wasn't going to happen.

I was going to have to stay home and take medications.

Yes, I called Denise and broke down right there in the

Rousse's. I cannot keep doing this.

I cannot keep playing games with myself and my fellow nurses.

I gave it my all and this is weighing heavily on my mind.

Between Thanksgiving and Christmas I am going

to reevaluate the work issues.

I am going to talk to my physicians, going to go back to

see Dr. Cowan, my chronic pain doctor who will give advice

to my family doctor, Dr. Pitre.

Dr. Donner told me there was nothing more he could do,

not a candidate for more surgeries except for removal

of the hardware, I am not having another surgery so

there is no reason to follow up with him.

He has done good things for me but as he warned me

prior to surgery, there are many other things I was facing

besides what he was able to fix surgically.

I have to, once again, get relief long term.

Cannot worry about what it means for work.

I cannot work as a nurse on Duragesic patches.

If this what it means then I will let my position go.

I am going to make these decisions between the Thanksgiving

and Christmas holidays because this worrying and wondering

what I should do is driving me crazy.

Acceptance, sometimes such a hard thing to do.