Hoping the Patriots loose...

If the Saints aren't playing in the Superbowl,

then you have to know that I could care less about

the Superbowl or how it plays out.

I have even made other plans with baby girl so

as not to even be home for the game.

This morning though, with a strong sense of

urgency I am here to say....

I HOPE THE PATRIOTS LOOSE

when I awakened this morning I didn't even realize who

was playing.

Then this am, I get my trusty cup of coffee,

sit in my favorite chair with me heat pad and computer

in tow, and I read a yahoo headline"

PATRIOTS RELEASE TIQUAN UNDERWOOD

HOURS BEFORE THE SUPERBOWL

Because of this, I am routing for the Giants, big time.

I don't care about the business of football, really I don't

but I do care about right and wrong, ethics, etc.

There was no discipline reasons to release this poor guy

hours before the Superbowl and they say,

"don't worry he will probably get a ring if they win a ring"

I hope none of those losers win a ring.

To think that he will not dress out with a team that

he has played with for the whole season on the

most important game of the season.

What do you tell your fans, your family.

This sucks with the big times!

GO giants!!!!!

"in your dreams"

The worst pain is those that come to me in my dreams.

Such is that that finds me awakened on this fine

Sunday morning at 3 am.

The dream today is centered around a visit to a camp.

I know I am a teenager in the dream because

The dream begins with me lying on a sofa

At some camp and I have children tucked under

Each arm. These children seem to be Rebecca

And little miki. Which is weird in itself

As these two, now adults outside the dream world, are

At least 7 years apart.

Yet for the dreams sake they are little,

Tucked in with their auntie lil.

I am in so much pain with them tucked there but I

Don't want them to move, to leave, so I

Say nothing but the pain is terrible.

I know that we have done some strenuous activity

And we are tired and sore and hungry

But we are waiting for rosie and another adult to come with

Pizza. I hear the car drive up and I long for

Two things:

To get these kids off me so I can move out of

This painful position and to eat so I can go to bed.

Yet, I still do not want the children to leave me so

I tell them, "let's pretend we are sleeping"

Even with all the pain I am in, we pretend to be sleeping.

The kids however can no longer stay still and playing

Asleep once rosie waves the pizza under our noses.

Rebecca and lil miki jump off of me in a fit of laughter

And I am laughing as well.

Laughing but I can not move because in the

Dream as in real life, the pain is too bad to move.

I awaken now and there is the pain, followed me right out the

Dream into the real world. It is better once I actually

Get up and begin to move around but it is 2:30am...

It is after nights like tonight imam grateful

Not to have a job as I know sleep will not find me again for hours

If at all now. It is comforting to know that I don't have to

Go to work after a night like this one.

I can take my time and make the day what I need it

To be.

Yes, the very worst pain is the ones that

Follow you right out of a great dream!

Good days are to be treasured

I am not sure what I owe gratitude to,

but whatever it is, Thank you , thank you, thank you!!

Both mentally and physically I have had some awesome days.

It began this week when I talked myself into

going to my school, TES to get my final things

and visit. It has been hard for me to go there,

to see the children and all my dear friends.

Monday, I make myself go and although I am dreading

the visit, I miss everyone so much.

I am sad while there when hugging the children

and hearing all the problems they have had since

I have been gone. To say aloud, that I love

them but I won't be their school nurse anymore

as I have decided to retire, was also hard

but I said it and I said it more than once.

I visited many of my friends, hugged many

packed up the things that belonged to me personally,

and left with a heavy heart.

Something happened on the drive back home.

A lightness, an acceptance, that I am not going back.

I began to see the day, once again, for what it is,

it was a beautiful day.

I also have had some days free from any pain thanks

to the Duragesic patch I now wear.

On that day I also completed the collection of all my

medical paperwork I needed from the various doctors

that I have seen over the years. I completed reading

all of the hundred some-odd papers that I had to

submit to teachers retirement, mailed them off

and promised myself that I am done with the reading

of myself on paper. That yes, I have all those problems,

that is me I am reading about but it does not have to

define me. I can be happy in spite of what papers say.

Since then I have had a lightness on my heart,

a pep in my step. It has been a matter of attitude

since the pain is still there most days.

I have journaled more lately, making mental

plans with myself as to what I want to do.

I have spoke and visited many since that Monday.

I have not had to force myself to do things outside of the home

instead, looking forward to doing it.

This week I have had a small problem with my eyes,

a corneal abrasion that I thought at first was pink eye.

Even that has not deterred me from my good days.

On Wednesday night I went sleep in Plaquemine to keep

Bean on Thursday. As is my habit, on Wednesday night

I get to rock her to sleep. On that night, she and I

settle in her room with her bottle.

She drinks most of the bottle while I hum and sing

sweet nothings to her.

She turns to her belly, laying her head on my shoulder.

I believe she is asleep but I am still not ready to lay her down

in her bed. After a few minutes, she picks up her head

and in the dark, I feel her just staring at me, looking into my face.

Then she opens her mouth as she does now to kiss and lays

those open lips right on mines without my asking for it.

Once is not enough, she does this at least 6 or 7 times in

a row. Oh, I am in love, I am melting, there is no way

to explain the love I have for this child.

then she puts her little hands under her body,

lays her head back on my shoulder and hums me a few bars

until she falls asleep.

I pray to God,

"God, when I am having a rotten day, let me remember this

night as being all I ever need, kisses from those I love,

gentleness and kindness to and for those I love"

Life is good in spite of chronic pain,

life is good.

A momma adventure today!

My sisters and I have been guilty of

our sister time.

So today we have planned a date with each other

and our momma.

Now there is nothing about telling momma

about the adventures we plan for us

and hearing her excitement.

She may be old and she may have dementia

but she loves her kids and she loves gambling.

Last night I call her to fill her in on what we have planned.

In her voice I can hear her excitement when she says,

"Oh good, fine, I am so excited I won't be able to sleep tonight"

I go on to tell her that not only are we all going to

have lunch with her but we are then going to

take her to Amelia Belle for gambling.

I joke with her and say that the only bad thing is

she will miss her Friday afternoon bingo at the Manor.

Then, like she always does, she throws in her kicker

that just melts your heart and makes you wish

you had not waited so long to take her somewhere,

"Oh I would miss that bingo any old day to spend time

with my children"

Oh, momma, you are the bestest!

Of course, when I call her this morning, she is still

in bed and knows something is planned but

cannot, for the life of her remember what.

I go through the whole itinerary one more time

and she says, Oh good, oh good with each

thing I tell her.

I guess I don't have to tell you that she

definitely did not loose sleep over the adventure!

love that momma!

Extremely loud and incredibly close

Ironically, one of the movies I have been waiting

anxiously to see is also my facebook

book club pick for the month of February.

EXTREMELY LOUD AND INCREDIBLY CLOSE

I love reading books then seeing the movie

but always in that order.

Very rarely do I go opposite and see the movie

then read the book. It just messes up my enjoyment

of the book.

Yet, this one I will, for sure, read.

I loved the movie and unlike my bestie, Laurie

and my big sis, Veronica I used no kleenex.

Nope didn't even shed one tear.

I think it was because I was so into the movie

and figuring out all the little nuances that

I forgot the touching parts of the movie.

The movie also left me with so many questions.

Like the relationship of the grandparents...

Many others but I don't want to post them here

and give away anything of the movie for you out there

if you have not yet seen it.

It is a must-see. For me, this is one

that I hope "the book is better than the movie"

because I have so many questions left unanswered.

Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock play the parents

but the real "one man show" is this little actor,

Thomas Horn is the one who should be

nominated for some award.

He was believable in his role, so darn good.

Makes me wonder how in the heck do kids so young

get this ability? Has to be nothing less of pure talent,

God-given.

Hoping my questions are answered as I begin tonight

to become absorbed in the book.

It's Jillaxing night!!!! Can't wait to see the bean!