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Sunday, March 30, 2014

A LOSS TO MANY

They knew his death was inimint and yet,
the Rousse family is facing another death of
a dear loved one.
Myron Rousse will be laid to rest on Tuesday.
Myron is the older brother of my brother in law, TEd,
the Uncle's to my dear nephews, Arthur and Kris.
As my sister, C said when she lost her father in law
last year, this family has been hers for longer than
they were not. As it is with DTB (down the bayou) people,
many are affected when one of our own dies.
Myron has had a long, long illness with liver disease
and now, now his pain is done, his life of medicines
and doctors and hospital's. He has seen the face of 
Our Lord and he is basking in His Glory….
and yet, we, his family, his friends are left in this
world with an adjustment ahead, how to live without 
a man who so many of us loved.
Just as I wrote when Mr. Menton, Myron's Dad died,
this family, when my sister C married into their fold,
 didn't just take C on as one of theirs but they
looked at our whole family as part of their family now.
There have been many, many family gatherings in the
last 32 years that had our two families together.
Myron also did much for our little community we call DTB
as if there was a party that needed a cook, especially if
it was for charity, there you would find Myron with his
trailer hitch carrying his outdoor kitchen to cook, visit
and raise money for the less fortunate. It is hard
to think of tail gating without thinking of Myron.
His cooking has been written about and won awards,
His cooking also has had him stand near famous Louisiana
chefs such as Frank and MaryClaire Davis.
      Many friendships have been made through Myron's cooking.
There is then, Myron's dear Mother, Mrs. Rose.                                                                   
C texted us sisters that she has seen in the eyes
of her Mother-in-law, Ms. Rose, Myron's mom,
what we Collins family saw in the eyes of our own Mother
when we lost our brother. That pain that only a Mother
who has lost a child knows. I pray for peace for Ms. Rose as
I know no one suffers more than a Mother who has lost her
child. His children, Mark and Myles as well as their own
families are also preparing to bury their Dad, a man who
showed them the correct way to father, he has done a great job
there. Then there is Trudy. Trudy has taught us all what marriage
vows mean. When we recite those words,
"In better or worse, richer or poor,  in sickness and health.."
we rarely think of the sickness part when we say them.
Trudy has shown us all what that one sentence means 
She has never left his side over these years as Myron's condition
worsened. She is a wife in it's truest form and many of us
could learn from her. So, once again, I ask for prayers
for my sister, C and her second family, the Rousse's.
They are in for a few rough days ahead.
Love to you all.                                                                                                                                                                                                                

Friday, March 28, 2014

A DUCKY DELIM

Sorry readers for being incognito…
pneumonia for the last week, finally better.
So, right before I get sick BB buy Bean two baby ducks.
Don't take but a few minutes for us all to fall in love.
Each day started with play with ducks and each
day ended the same way for Bean when here.
On a few days when she was by MawMaw and Poppy's
I brought them to visit. Even though
I was sick, still enjoyed caring for these lil birds
who captured our hearts.
Then yesterday, yesterday, on the day I am going to
pick up Bean at school to come play with her
duckies, little yellow called Carnum, isn't looking so good.
This starts frantic texts to her Mommy.
"YELLOW DUCK NOT WELL. WON'T WALK OR EAT.
SHOULD I GET RID OF H IM AND TELL JILLY
HAD TO LET HIM GO WITH HIS MOMMY OR 
RUN TO TRACTOR STORE AND GET ANOTHER
ONE. SHE WON'T KNOW IF I BUY A YELLOW DUCK.
IS HE DEAD??
GET A NEW ONE I'LL PAY YOU BACK. DON'T
WANT TO HAVE THAT TALK WITH HER
AND SHE'LL BE HEARTBROKEN.
Was no way I was telling the Bean her baby duck
died without her mommy and daddy there to 
do it. Call me Coward.
Off to the tractor store as more time passes the more
it seems the yellow duck is on to better ponds.
The lady at the tractor store is so nice and yet adds
to the delimma. The ducks today are to be free as they never 
die and I have to get two because they are not 
allowed to sell one at a time.
UGH, so I get a new yellow one and a little gray one
with a Mohawk! So sweet. So texts back to Kd for 
how to go about explaining the grey one. Remember
this is a very smart three year old.
 I am almost afraid she will know that isn't her yellow duck.
"…HOW DO I EXPLAIN THE THIRD????
GUNNA TELL HER I WENT VISIT AND THEY WERE 
GIVING THEM AWAY.
That was our story and I was sticking to it.
The yellow ducky, he passes the test and
immediately the gray one is welcomed into the fold.
We play with all three and she kisses and hugs and
tells them how much she missed them,
Says, "Hey, here I am, I am your momma"
We wash hands and head in to play.
On our second visit, little gray duck, well he ain't looking so good.
"Look Mumsie, he is asleep, ahhhh he's so cute"
Damn! He is not sleeping….
I explain that he probably missing his momma so tomorrow i
am going to take him back to his momma.
She cries..
"But I am his momma, Mumsie"
As she hugs my neck.
Darn, this is exactly what I tried to not have to explain
when I went for the replacement duck.
I put him in the box he came in and explain he
just needs some time alone.
This morning, yep, he went on to the big pond in 
the sky. So much for them not supposed to die…
Now I dread her awakening. 
Up early to make sure at least black and yellow duck
are doing well. Yes, they are. Thank you Jesus!
Will a very smart three year old believe
I woke up early to bring him back to his mommy because
he was crying for her. I hope so… 
GEEZE, I sure hope so….

Monday, March 17, 2014

Bean has a party



 Bean is three…. three….. my how these years have passed so fast.
It is hard to remember what life was like before her.
Her party was at Adventureland, an indoor jumping place.
I am so touched that my sisters and a few of my nieces came
out to spend a few hours with the Bean.
For some of them, they drove a total of four hours to spend
two hours with us and that does not go unappreciated.
Thanks to you all.
Bean, she was more interested in her baby cousin, Anabelle 
than her presents, she is going to be the best big sister, ever!
In a few weeks they will move into their new home that
is beautiful and the next major event will be the 
coming of Jolee' Claire.
I haven't picked a blog name for our newest addition yet.
Will wait until she is born to figure that out.
Enjoy the pictures of a most wonderful day!












Saturday, March 15, 2014

HELPING OTHERS IS NOT A BOTHER

"I hate to bother you…."
"I didn't ask you to help because I know you have so much to do…"
" I didn't tell you because I'm such a bother.."
We all hear these things, I hear them often.
Shoot, I have even said them myself.
On those times when you are afraid to ask for help,
or someone sees you struggling and they asks what they
can do to help, spill it, let them help.
Just this weekend, in conversation
I offered my help anytime and before I could get the
sentence out, her head was shaking no.
It happened again yesterday when speaking to someone I 
love dearly, asked her why she didn't tell me what we were speaking
of earlier and she said she didn't want to bother me.
If you are that person, that person so full of pride that it is
hard to ask for help, I share this thought for contemplation….
Maybe the one who can help you is the one who 
really needs to help. Sometimes, your need is more
for the other one who gets great gratitude in helping 
someone who truly needs it. As I explain this over the wknd,
I think I had my love look at it differently.
"You know sometimes we who offer the help needs to do that,
for us to do God's work, to be a disciple."
She then shakes her head yes. Well, that makes sense.
Sometimes we want to do His work, but we are not
sure who needs it. If you ask, that gives us the opportunity to help.
My favorite line to those I love, first I ask them to make a deal 
with me then,
"If you promise to ask if you need something, I promise to 
say no if I can't help."
This week a high school friends' son had a tragedy happen.
First he lost his precious daughter, now his son and his
family  has lost all they own. In both instances my friend
and his wife, have seen the silver lining. His daughter left
this world but left behind a child for them to love, 
His son and his family lost all their material possessions 
but escaped the fire with all of their lives.
Still, the "Monkey on their back", "the devil"
needs to leave them. I had an opportunity to help here,
to do what God would want me to do. I sent a small contribution.
My friend said I didn't have to but the were going to be humble
and accept because it was really needed. 
In his acceptance, I was a disciple.
"WHAT SO EVER YOU DO, FOR THE LEAST OF YOUR
BROTHERS, THAT YOU DO UNTO ME."
Long story to explain one simple statement.
If you need help, ask, the world is full of people who want 
to help. If they can't help they will tell you no, or at
least I will….

Friday, March 14, 2014

PURGATORY?

Another thing that has been on my mind lots since
my retreat weekend is purgatory.
For you who are not Catholic, purgatory can be defined as
A PLACE OR STATE WHERE ACCORDING TO CATHOLIC
DOCTRINE THE SOULS OF THOSE WHO DIE
IN GOD'S GRACE MAY MAKE SATISFACTION FOR
PAST SINS AND SO BECOME FIT FOR HEAVEN.
I never wanted to believe in purgatory before.
I wanted to think that all except for those who 
broke the ten commandments severely, went to Heaven.
This weekend I am changing on this believe.
Immaculee' talked of a book called
"GET US OUT OF HERE"
written by Nicky Eltz from interviews he conducted with
Maria Simma
Not only are my beliefs of purgatory changing but I am
learning so much about my faith I claim to be my own,
Catholic that I did not know nor think of before.
the book, has been investigated by the Church and deemed
to be valid. The thing about this sweet woman, Maria who
you will come to know if you read this book, is that she was 
not from the 1800's, from a time before us but from our own
generation. she died in 2004.
The things in this interview, as I mentioned before have been
investigated as many. I am not pushing this book to have
any change their beliefs nor to say I have changed all my 
beliefs I have had my whole life because of one book
but I am stating that it has given me lots of information 
to think about. If nothing else, I will be glad for reading it
because it has given me much hope that Heaven is for all
and not unreachable for any of us. Last night, as I read more
of this most interesting book, I highlight this sentence:
LACK OF INTELLIGENCE BY ITSELF NEVER KILLED
ANYBODY, BUT LACK OF LOVE KILLS
EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY AND NIGHT.
For me, If nothing but this one strong statement stays in
my head and heart after reading this book,
it will have been enough.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

THE TOUCHING OF A HAND

This morning I had to decide whether I would go into another
deep blog like yesterday, like those going through my head constantly
that I have to get on paper so I can be released from it consuming
my thoughts or just a very touching post.
Because yesterday was so overwhelmingly deep, going to
go for touching. Still going to be long though as writing in 
my journal has become hard for me so I am just printing 
the blog entries right now. Okay, so onward.
Friday night, as I explained, I spent the night at the Plaisances'.
Lucy was in Grand Isle with friends but 
Hugh, Owen and Ellen were all there as well as 
Rebecca and Mikie.
Before leaving for the retreat I told Owen we were going to play
Lego's when I got back. One thing you need to know about
our O…. the only thing he probably loves more than Lego's is
his Mommy. I don't think he really believed that his old Aunt Lil
was gonna do Lego's or that I was telling the truth when I said
I really do love playing Lego's. He did look mildly optimistic.
When I got back I was like, 
"Dude, go take your bath and crack open them Lego's"
Fast baths were taken and a blanket spread as the two 
boxes of Lego's were dumped. Oho we were in some type
of Lego heaven. Ellen and Hugh even joined us.
During play he looks at me and says,
"Aunt Lil you just might be my favorite aunt…"
MELT, MELT, MELT, MY HEART…..

We continue to play well into the night.
Midnight comes and it is time to lay these heads down.
Ellie-pie, wants to sleep with auntie, so does Owen.
El wins but O, not to be left out sets his sights on the
futon in the room, on Aunt Lil's side. As El gathers
her family of stuffed animals to sleep with,
Owen begins reminding me of all the memories he and I have
made over the last few visits.
"Aunt Lil, remember when we were playing Trouble and you thought
a 4 was a 6?" yeah… hahhahaha
"And you remember when we played blokes"
yep.
"And how about when I was scared to sleep by myself
so you made me that special spot in your room? Has anyone
else slept there besides me?"
Nope. 
"Aunt Lil, we made some good memories, huh?"
Oh yes, my dear one, including tonight.
I swear, this child, he can frustrate you as fast as he can
melt you but when it comes to he and his Aunt Lil lately,
it's all about the melt.
"yes, O, and you know what? This summer, you are coming to my
house and we gonna make many more"
"I can't wait, aunt Lil, I really can't wait."
Have i mentioned how much I love this child yet?
We all tucked in, Owen on the futon and El in bed with Aunt lil,
her and her many stuffed animals. El is a cuddler, 
I? I am a lover of cuddling with kiddo's.
She starts with getting really close and holding my hand
and she is out. I am remembering other times, times when her
mother was younger than she and I babysat.
we are ten years apart, Rebecca and I, so she has always 
been like my little baby doll.
During the night, I awaken to the very best feeling,
Ellen with her head on my shoulder, resting beneath my chin.
It is her Mother I am thinking of, those many summer afternoons
when she and I would nap every day. She for the rest, 
I, for the cuddling. This is what my heaven will be like.
I fall asleep quite content.

Later that day, as Rebecca and I are at retreat, both
crying during the profession of the flowers, crying because
the words of Immaculee' are beautiful and about mothering, 
being mothered, forgiving. During one point I am compelled
to reach for Rebecca's hand not only to comfort her but to 
comfort myself, we are both crying and praying.
I hold this woman's hand in mine, I know those hands are the 
same that have held her own babies many times,
but for me, that very hand is the same one I held, when she
was three and I, 13. The very one that I awakened to holding
so many times during her life.
That hand who now belongs to a 40 year old woman
is the hand of my three year old niece who I love so very much.

Monday, March 10, 2014

MOTHER MARY COMES TO ME, SHE COMES TO US..

Get ready, get a cup of coffee, it's gunna be a long one.
I have spent a weekend in the midst of men and women who love
God. I have spent the weekend in the midst of one woman,
called Immaculee' who adores our dear Mother Mary.
For years, I have loved Virgin Mary so much, so much that at times,
I wondered, if I was breaking the first commandment,
"I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD, THERE SHOULD BE NO OTHER
GODS BEFORE ME."
It is what other religions and other Christians say is wrong with the Catholic
church, we idolize statues and saints..
Because I teach religion to Confirmation Candidates, I know how
to defend this. We tell our children, we do not idolize these things,
they are our "go between' people, we ask them for help as they
have better access to God, our Father.
I explain it in this way. If you have to have surgery, you want the
best doctor but do you want just him in that surgery room or
do you want him surrounded by the best qualified nurses and techs.
to assist him? That is what our praying to the Saints and our Mother
are like for me. They are His ears and eyes in a world full of pain
and need. Back to Blessed Mother.
I love, love, love Mary. Immaculee' has shown me that I can love 
her more, she is all our Mother and she loves her position.
I thought I loved Mother, oh my, this gal, over exceeds the love
I have a hundred times more.
Yet, my heart fills for love and the permission and acceptance that
I can do this. So much so, that when the microphone is open to the 
congregation for thoughts and stories, I just know I am going there.
Everyone knows, give me a microphone and a crowd, and I will
speak. My baby niece, Rebecca is not that way, but when I tell
her I have to go, she gives me the green light,
"You go girl"
The church is full to capacity. This is the most people I have
ever spoke in front of and I have done lots of presentations.
Of course, I am led by the Father and his Mother.
I share a few sentences to break the ice, calm my nerves.
That I am a childhood cancer survivor in the day that it 
was not possible to survive this cancer. I lightly tell them
that I finally got a bike at the age of 12 because I refuse to die.
Then I get into my love for Mary.
Here is a synopsis of what I shared:
I MARRIED A MAN WHO WAS DRUG ADDICTED.
ONCE WE HAD OUR FIRST CHILD, I KNEW I COULD
NOT STAY. LONG STORY SHORT, MY HUBBY WENT INTO
REHAB AND STAYED SOBER FOR 27 YEARS.
WHILE IN TREATMENT, I ASKED THE PROFESSIONALS,
WHAT I COULD DO SO THAT I COULD SPARE MY CHILD
AND ANY FUTURE CHILDREN FROM THIS DREADED DISEASE.
AS I SHARED, I CAN GO THROUGH THIS WITH A HUSBAND,
BUT I DON'T WANT TO SEE A CHILD OF MINE SUFFER IN THIS
WAY. THEY GAVE ME THE TOOLS TO FOLLOW AND I DID,
LIKE A BIBLE,  WENT TO CHURCH AND RELIGION,
PRAYED NIGHTLY FOR THEM, WENT TO AA AND ALANON,
BROUGHT MY CHILDREN THERE. WE WERE NOT A PERFECT
FAMILY, DYSFUNCTIONAL LIKE MOST BUT IN THE
REGARDS OF DRUGS AND ALCOHOL, MY CHILDREN
SHOULD HAVE BEEN SPARED AND YET AT 16 WE FOUND
OUR CHILD ADDICTED TO DRUGS. IT WAS THE WORST
TIME OF MY FAMILY'S LIVES. EACH TIME HE NEEDED HELP,
WE DID COUNSELING AND MD'S, EVERYTHING TO GET HIM
TO FIND SOBRIETY. NONE OF IT WORKED SO WE DID THE
ONLY OTHER THING WE KNEW HOW, WE DID THE TOUCH LOVE
THING. IT IS TOO LONG TO GO INTO ALL THE DETAILS BUT 
IN A NUTSHELL, WE HAD TO LET HIM GO AND BE ON HIS OWN.
WE DID AND IT WAS THE HARDEST THING WE EVER HAD TO DO.
I WAS WEAKER THAN THE HUBBY BUT WE MANAGED
TO STICK TO OUR GUNS. I DID TRY AND STILL SPEAK HIM 
INTO TREATMENT, FEED HIM, TELL HIM HOW MUCH THIS
WAS KILLING US. HE FINALLY DID FIND A TREATMENT
FACILITY AND WHILE HE WAS THERE, I WATCHED
THE PASSION OF CHRIST.
There was my Mary, watching her dear son be beaten and falling.
my first thought was that,
"Mary you do know, you know how much I love my son."
but I knew my lesson here was much more than just that.
Then it hits me, I can barely breath as i understand.
my lesson. Mother Mary watches all this, she watches his son
beaten and a crown of thorns be dug into his head,
she watches as he carries a cross much heavier than him
through the streets as people cackle and tease him.
At one point He falls and she runs to him, cradles him in
his arms. As she is running her mind flashes back to a time
when he was just her little boy and he fell on the rocks. 
She runs to him and comforts his tears.
This time it would have taken much more than that to comfort
her baby boy.
She watches as they nail her baby to that very same cross
he was carrying and hangs him so all the people can view
his torture and death and still she watches and she never,
not once says the words I have been saying too many times,
"leave my baby alone"
Not once, did she try and stop the process that was needed
for her Son to save the world.
OMG… what a lesson, I knew then all the times before when
i said I had, "LET GO AND LET GOD"
I kept taking it back. That very day I truly let go.
I left the movie, said God he is yours and I planned his funeral.
Yes, I planned his funeral. It was then that God was able to
do the work He needed to do on my son.
Then he found sobriety.
He has just celebrated 10 years of sobriety,
married to a wonderful girl, is a father of one beautiful 
daughter and another on the way."
THE CONGREGATION CLAPS AND I SIT.
I TEAR BUT I DO NOT CRY. I REALIZE I HAVE NOT SHARED
THAT STORY FOR SOME TIME AND TEN YEARS HAVE PASSED,
TEN YEARS MY SON IS SOBER, MY DAUGHTER
HAS HER BROTHER AND BEST FRIEND BACK.
TEN YEARS SINCE GYPSY BABY HELD THE TITLE
OF MY SILENT HERO.
Is that all? Is there more to the purging of an old story?
Yes there is. Tiffy and I went to see a movie and when we get
out I check my text messages. There is a desperate on from a 
dear friend whose son also suffers from the disease of
drug addiction, that damned devil.
Just like the disease of cancer, there is a remission, very
few people stay sober for 5 years but if they do, they
are in remission. the difference between our baby boys 
are my son is in remission, hers is not.
She is having a bad day, asks that I text or call her.
Something this desperate deserves a phone call, also because
I realize my speech of yesterday was not only to share 
with many others but to refresh my memory of what 
really happened because the Big Man and his Momma?
Well they knew I would need it today.
I excitedly call my friend and share.
She is crying as I tell the story in my excited voice.
Wow, how these small miracles happen and yet there
are those that think miracles are coincidences. 
This was no accident, my readers.
She thanks me, but there is no need for thanks,
as I did nothing, was just the messenger.
I get a text from my pal last night:
"WAS JUST THANKING MY LORD FOR YOU
MY ANGEL….I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH…
THANK YOU AND KNOW YOU DID MAKE A BIG 
DIFFERENCE IN MY DAY…"
Again, no need to thank me, I am just the messenger.
I made a promise to our Father when baby boy found
sobriety. I promised that I would, each time asked,
share my/our story whenever asked.
when someone reaches out to me, I will answer.
I have been lax in my Alanon attendance but this week,
that as well as my church attendance has changed.
I need to give back, give hope to others who are still
suffering. It may be my calling.
Sorry so long as I know that cup of coffee has to 
either be gone or cold by now.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

I HAVE BEEN CHANGED

Imaculee's retreat was a success.
Spending the weekend, the experience, with my 
baby niece, Rebecca. I am back on tract.
I will blog more later about our experience but
today, today is SON OF GOD movie
with my baby niece, Tiffy.
Yes she is only three years younger than me,
yes we were raised as sisters rather than aunt/niece
but she is still my baby niece and we need a day to play.
Onward, dear friend as we enjoy the most beautiful day.

Friday, March 7, 2014

LEFT TO TELL by IMMACULEE ILIBAGIZA


I have been waiting for this weekend even before
I knew the actual date this wonderful woman
was coming to Thibodaux, to my former church,
to St.Genevieve.
The fact that I get to experience this retreat,
the first weekend of Lenten season, with my niece,
Rebecca is like icing on my cake…
Well, really the banana filling on my cake as 
I like that better.
I have blogged about this most special woman months
ago as my friend, Patricia has a friend who works for 
Immaculee' the author. Patricia was able to get me
a signed copy of this book and I cannot wait to hear
her witness. For me, this experience would 
be compared to my sister, C seeing Michael Jackson
or Elton John on the richter scale.
Then there is this other thing that I am really excited about…
Spending the night with the Plaisance clan, specifically 
sharing a bedroom with Lucy tonight.
Hoping we talk late into the night about silly stuff.


Thursday, March 6, 2014

FLOW magazine

My friend AshMarie, well she is (gunna use her word)
the BOMB DIGGETY
Whenever she posts something I take note because,
we like lots of the same things.
Funny that she is young enough to be my child,
we have a friendship I treasure.
So she and her Boo, her hubby took a trip to 
Houston to get out of the hustle and bustle of Mardi Gras.
She posts on her IG account a piece of this magazine
and I know I just have to have it.
Okay, I know I get excited about simple things so
somehow after church my car was going in the direction
of Barnes and Noble. It knows the way.
I text AshMarie to find out where I should find this mag
and before she answers me, I spot it, right there in the
craft magazines. Just the craft paper texture gets me excited.
A little pricey for a mag at $22.50 
But one look at the cover, a flip through the inside and you
know it is worth it.
I am almost sure they wrote this issue for me...
An article on the health of being comfortable alone.
A whole article explaining exactly how I feel about 
being comfortable with yourself, enjoying your own company.
Then this one… TO READ A BOOK
Really?? two articles written to my heart, 
to my inner self? 
The article is great and again, It's like FLOW
looked into my soul and wrote this.
The pictures are beautiful, it's full of free paper things,
things so wonderful that they could be framed, as is, and
be a masterpiece.
It stands by a title of FLOW, Magazine for paper lovers.
Being a paper lover can mean many things as this issue suggests,
I am one of those.
Their articles are about things that I didn't even know I was curious about
and now, have me feeling like I am so knowledgeable on things
that probably no one else cares about, but I do.
For instance, an article about Maria Sibylla Merian.
Never heard the name, right? Me either.
She died in 1717 so how would we know about her if not for FLOW
and yet, what she did for us is phenomenal.
She painted but also was the one who found out by studying
them, that every ugly caterpillar metamorphosis into a beautiful
butterfly. Yes, I know, useless stuff but interesting to me.
She was a wonderful artist and the magazine has some
of her more famous paintings.
You just have to get it, splurge on yourself,
try not to over think the purchase as I did
(I always wonder after I am gone, will anyone love my things?)
and buy it. IF you are a lover of different, a lover of paper
and all things related, this is a magazine you must check out.
Thanks my Ash… Once again, you have
made me a happy happy lady.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

ASH WEDNESDAY

It is Ash Wednesday for us Catholics out there.
Time to get our Jesus on.
A time to reawaken all those New Years Resolutions
we have already broken.
Time to reflect on my relationship with the Big Man.
Time to try making a few if not all the Way of the Cross.
This is the very first time, in my 50 years of living that
I will not receive ashes without having a Mommy to
either remind me or come with me.
A big deal in Mommy Minta's world.
Also a big deal in my world.
I am hoping that this Lenten season I can find myself
with a closer relationship to my God and my Faith
as I have felt somewhat lost this past year.
Never have I ever remembered a time in my life
that I think and "inside question"
what is life after this.
Sometimes consumes my thoughts, comes to me in dreams.
It has been this way since Mommy died.
The thought of never seeing her again in the next life
just has me feeling so sad some days.
My promise to myself is to work hard during my 
Lenten season, one of my favorite times of the year.
As I walk up the aisle to the altar of
my Catholic Church, I will remember all the years
in the past, also the ones when I held my Mommy's hand
as a child to have the black cross placed on my head.
Remember the days as a teen when I was embarrassed to
have this marking on my forehead and tried to wipe it off
without the Mommy seeing as she always insisted it was
to fade off all on its own.
This day, I will wear my mark proudly for all those to see,
I am a Catholic, I believe He died for me, for us all.

Monday, March 3, 2014

WATCHED THE OSCARS?

I watched to Oscars, well parts of the Oscars
as I kept falling asleep. 
NOTE TO SELF:
Don't watch a tv show you want to see in bed.
Check
So a few things I realized while watching.
1) I love, love, love Ellen Degenerous.
Yep, love her.
She is funny, so funny and the best host I think
the Oscars have ever had. It is why they keep asking her.
2) Jared Leto, never heard of him before last night.
Evidently won his Oscar for supporting role in
DALLAS BUYING CLUB
had the very best speech ever.
He sat near his mother and his speech began
In 1971, there was a teenage girl, who was pregnant with her second child, she was a high school dropout and single mom, but somehow she managed to make a better life for herself and her children … that girl is my mother and she’s here tonight I just want to say ‘I love you mom, thank you for teaching me to dream,” Leto said.
The camera panned to his Mother just as his older
brother rushes to sit next to her and  plant a kiss.
It was the most touching speech for me.
Which brings me to
3) Must watch DALLAS BUYING CLUB…
soon! I had no clue what is was about but after last night,
finding out it was about the AIDS crisis of the 80's and
what one man, given the diagnosis did to help himself and others
with the then, deadly disease.
I lost a cousin I adored to the dreaded AIDS of the 80's and
wish the treatment offered here now was available to him.
In today's world, I know he would still be with us.
Must see this movie.
4) Watching the Oscars I realized I have not seen enough
movies in 2013, there were way too many that I did not know
about and that rarely happens to me while watching the Oscars.
Must see more movies, must see more movies…
Planning on heading there today….
Must see more movies.
Oh and did I say,
I love Ellen?

Sunday, March 2, 2014

A MOTHERS JOB IS NEVER DONE

When does that feeling of being a Mother go away?
Or does it ever go away?
The babies are now 28 and 25 now.
I, well the big 5-0!
Which sets me up to the title of this post.
When HOBL broke his back two years ago,
it was an accident that started with a ladder and
ended with trying to pull Baby Boy's riding lawn mower
out the ditch he had drove it into.
Sometimes, well all the time, he forgets he is no longer 20.
This fall that could have been so darn bad, that
had me have to call an ambulance for a ride to the hospital
because I just could not pull him up,
also was a fall off a ladder.
At first, of course I was concerned but I was mostly mad
that he is so careless and tries to rush everything.
I don't know if he could have prevented the fall but
he could have called for someone to hold the ladder.
Anyhoo, the post is not really about the fall.
So, of course, I was angry but more concerned for the
injuries he may have sustained as we awaited the results of
the X-rays. Kd followed the ambulance to the hospital
and Gypsy met us at the hospital.
When I went into the lobby to get gypsy,
the worry in her always tough persona almost had me
in tears. She rarely cries and when she does it is usually
because she is angry. Yet, those eyes that looked me 
straight in the face, to gauge just how worried she should be
left me wanting to cry for her worry and beat HOBL for
causing it. I know it was an accident but to see her
face trying to read mines killed me.
I calmly smiled and hugged her and told her he
was going to be okay and right away her normal 
personality kicked in and she fussed her Daddy and
joked with him. Baby boy was in contact via text with Kd
during the whole time as he was at work. His question to 
Kd was could he move his toes. Once he knew he could,
he became angry. He looks at us as old people.
He looks at his Dad as a crazy old man.
Kd sends him a picture of his Daddy in a hospital bed
and he calls, the two men, they talk, I hear
one side of the conversation and it is then that I begin to cry.
Not for HOBL but for my babies. They love their Daddy,
even if he drives us all crazy. They worry about him, his 
problems with taking meds. but not wanting him to hurt.
I feel like I have to assure them that I will take care of him.
It is hearing HOBL tell BB 
"I know, I know, I don't need you to fuss, bad grass don't die"
I cry then. I cry because my babies are worried and it does not
matter that they are adults and that there are many things out
there that cause them stress. I just don't want us to be the cause
of their worry and stress. 
A Mothers job, it never ends. I have spoke often
of my Mommy's dementia, that it began the very day we found
out my brother, her own Baby Boy had died.
It is almost like she could not continue her life as long as she
knew her child was dead. I understand that Mommy.
I understand that it does not matter how old they are,
they are our babies and we do not want to see them hurt.
Gypsy, having a grown up conversation with her yesterday,
is going through a little rough patch.
She speaks so maturely, about how at 25 someone should
be comfortable with who they are and if they aren't, she 
has no room in her life for those.
I am proud of her adult thinking but have this longing
to just call her home, lay in my bed with her in my arms
and just rock her…. Her struggles have me feeling a melancholy
longing to have them young again.
Can't go back, can we.
Being a Mommy, well it doesn't end when they call themselves adults.
Hoping HOBL stays safe and knows that no matter what life
seems to throw at us, we seem to make it through.
My babies are his babies also.
I know his intention is never to cause them worry or pain.
Ladder safety will have to be retaught.