Friday, August 29, 2014
I speak often of my besties, Ann and Laurie…
Don't know what I would do without these two gals
in my life. But our dear Bestie, Ann and her lovey,
Moody, well they in a bad spot and prayers are needed.
Ann loves Moody in a way I don't know if I have ever loved.
While we were together at LaBerge' Moody was
not feeling well and she spoke of how much she
must aggravate him always asking if he needed something.
She shared how if she looses him, she don't know what
she would do, she spoke of how much she loves that man.
We all do love him. We, myself and my two bests
all married young, Laurie and I, our high school sweethearts,
Ann, met Moody through Ronnie and they
have been together since. After three months,
they were talking marriage.
(Ann and Moody serving in our wedding)
( Ann and Moody in their own wedding)
Yesterday I rushed to Thibodaux Regional when the
text came through that he was being moved from
his regular room to ICU and was critical.
There, in the lobby, was my dear friend and her
two adult boys, her daughter in law, Suzette,
and her Mother and her sisters…
sisters, what would we do without them….
We hugged, me and my bestie, we cried,
me more than her, as she was just so exhausted,
He has been sick for so long,
Our Moody, is on the vent, had to be shocked into
a natural heart rhythm. He is just not well,
but fighting like the man he is….
Prayers, often pray for God's will and ask
for that, this time I am changing it up,
pray for complete recovery as my dear friend,
well, she still needs her love.
I have never wanted something more than I want
healing for Moody and healing for my dear friends
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Now being single, there are things, as time goes by,
I have begun to realize.
For instance, I am so thankful that outside of
mymarriage, I had a way of spending time with those
I love, family and friends.
I cannot blame Ronnie for the things he just could
not give me, that he was not capapable of.
I am the first to tell everyone, even though our marriage
is over, he has always been a good provider and will
continue to assure I am okay. Not many ex's do that.
But it is the other things I have realized.
How much Bean, at the time, was my life line.
Since Thursday, I have been helping KD a lot
with the girls because her cousin, Melissa was married.
Thursday after her school I went to stay with
both girls. Bean is such a good sister.
It amazes me how she just never shows jealousy
to this wee one of ours. I had trouble getting Belle
to sleep and Bean told me about every trick she
knew that had worked in the past for her and
her parents when none of those worked,
and she waited patiently in the bed with
the 10 books she wanted me to read her,
she shrugged her shoulders, and said,
"Mumsie I am going to read the books to you and
Jolee" and that she did. I was so worried because
it was getting late and I knew Bean had school
the next day. I want to say, my daugther in law,
she is a superwoman with these two sweet ones
who she has one on one when BB is at work.
Finally Belle fell asleep in my arms and was not
about to put her down. held her and read books
until her Mommy got home and put her down.
The next day, I went get Bean at he Maw Maw
as I was going to get her ready for the wedding
and Maw had Belle. Then it was our sleepover
night. That wedding of Melissa and TAte
was great, but for me, having Bean and Belle with us,
made it that much more fun. I am not putting down
those who have weddings without children.
I see the pros and cons of both, but for me,
they are the cutest things.
They danced more than the grownups.
Now, back to things I didn't realize.
I didn't realize just how much Bean has absorbed
of simple silly things I have taught her over the
years when I was so sad with my marriage.
I do believe she has been my life line.
That night we settle down for bed and she says,
"MUmsie we have to 'foosh the pillows"
I had forgotten that since she was little,
we would throw all the unnecessary pillows across
the room saying, "foosh"
We fooshed the pillows and read books with
her loving up on me the whole time.
I thought as she listened intently and corrected
when I didn't say it quite the way she remembered the book,
how many nights we did this very same thing
when I didn't know where my marriage was heading.
We fell asleep cuddled and if you can get this gal
laughing in the morning, it's going to make for a great day.
She slept late for her and then finally said,
"If you want me to wake up you can rub my back
and carry me to the sofa and get me juice like my Daddy does."
Surely not afraid to say what she needs. Then she reminded
me that at Mumsie's house we don't get up until
we hear the birds, we heard birds and she popped up.
I was being silly with her and told her,
When we wake up we need to say,
"Top of the morning to ya"
well that got her laughing and repeating it every few minutes.
Then she does what she does best, touches me.
"MUmsie, I told my teacher, when I sleep at your house
and we go outside we always say, "Good morning World!"
Can we do that, Mumsie?
So we went out and screamed
"Good Morning World"
Oh the things her teacher must hear.
It's just her and Belle's prescence that makes
me realize they have gotten me through some rough
spots. I am going to end this I promise, but one more thing
about just how it is to be around Bean often.
We went on an adventure to the thrift store where she knows
she can fill a bag and it is all hers. She speaks to all she meets,
She sings and has people notice her even when she
doesn't know it. We go to DC Grill for the bathroom
and she smells that food and "Mumsie I am hungry"
No trouble with me, it's lunch and DC GRill is one
of my faves. She labels the fries, the best in town
and insists I let them know.
As we sit and eat, she hugs my arm and I say,
"Oh Bean don't grow up, stay like this forever"
She unlocks her arm from mines and teaches me
some logic that I just have to come to acceptance about,
"I can't stop, Mumsie" with a fry in her hand "There is
nothing we can do about it"
Oh be still my heart...
and I once again realize, without God, without
these two girls in my life, I doubt I would be doing
as good as I am with these changes in my life.
I live for this little familiy and my gypsy baby.
I realize that I, no one else, but I, am the lucky
one. I love my own company but the company of
those who love me most has gotten me through some
rough spots. I have realized that my children, understand
what I need, sometimes I need my own time, but they never
deny me visits with them and the babies. and I realize
without that I would be nothing of the woman I am today.
Thank you KD, Baby Boy, Gypsy baby, Belle
and most especially Bean for getting me where I am.
I would loose every material possession in this world,
to have you all in my life.
And this I realize, subconciously for a long time,
but conciously over the last few days.
Friday, August 15, 2014
My dear old nursing friend, Shirley had a garden party.
It was so nice of her to remember me, to invite, me.
I am sure it has something to do with the little niece of mine
who won't let anyone forget me.
I know when my life is over, and I am long gone from
this world, she Tiffy, will be one that will never let
others forget me and the things I have done good in
my life. Thanks Tiff. for always being my biggest fan.
Before I get into this blog, I am in love with my new camera.
I have to do very little editing to erase the "Old" in me.
This camera tends to make us all some "pretty young things"
Some have asked, where is my hat, well if you know me,
I am a hugger and that darn hat kept getting in the way of my hugs
so off it came. Met old friends, even asked Shirley for her hand
in marriage as my gypsy baby says I need to find a girlfriend.
If I had to change to that life, Shirl would be the best partner ever!
There she is all the way to the right end….
Cannot say enough of her son Josh-Wa.
Why do i refer to him in that manner?
he was one of baby boy's very first friends.
When he came home from school that day he said,
"Mommy I met a new friend!"
Of course, the obnoxious mommy in me asked too many
questions for a little boy who just wanted to come home and
play with his Ninja Turtles.
"Rod, tell me about your new friend, what is his last name"
Perturbed he said,
"Momma, Wa, Josh-Wa"
Ever since then, in my world he has been Josh-Wa.
Josh-Wa had lots to do with the making of the garden party.
It was perfect and he waited on us haggling gals like
a maitre de'. only thing missing was the suit.
He is an amazing young man and deserves another amazing
young man to make his life complete.
Some of these wonderful women I didn't know, of but
thanks to Tiffy they all felt they knew me. By the end of the
day they did and I don't think I disappointed…lol
Again, my little niece, came through and ordered me a
birthday cake. With all the food they had there, she still had
her friend pick up this beautify bday cake she bought for me.
Thanks, tiff, it was the best and Bean loved, loved, loved
This lil gal down there, well she won the prize for best hat.
Not only did she make hers but came in with the gloves, the
whole persona, we even laughed as the day went on when
we noticed she even had her "pinkie Up"
She definitely deserved. She was fun, fun so was everyone.
This was our little group of pretty women, and we all felt pretty that
day. We just don't take enough time to do these kind of things.
Once this house sells, I am going to get settled in a new old house
and get ready as we going to have lots of gatherings.
However, will tell you all a funny story about why we will
probably not use the name garden party.
Friday night Tedi-girl came to meet her mommy and I
at B and E for my birthday supper.
We have always loved B and E and because we know
all them gals there so well, there was lots of awesome
conversations. We explained to Tedi-girl how excited
we were to go to the garden party. That we had our fancy dresses
and our fancy hats….. Tedi-girl looked at both of us
rolling her eyes wondering what we were thinking?
Then she let us on with what her mind was thinking..
"You two, two plants in the ground and y'all both
gunna be sweating taking off y'all clothes and
complaining y'all back hurts…
hahhah she thought we were invited to Shirley's house to
plant her garden. Not a bad idea, huh Shirley.
Thanks again, Shirley and Josh-Wa for a perfect day.
Will forever remember it as being one of my best days
post marriage. Thanks to old friends and new friends.
Love to all.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Our family just keeps growing and growing…
Now every one of us Collins girls are grandmothers
who all go by different names:
MaMaw, Granny, Gammy, Mumsie and now a Sugar.
Brother I think is called Poppa, just like his kiddo's
always called him but not sure.
Anyway, back to the most beautiful little girl
who has a potato, patato, name.
Her grandpa Tab told me the way he remembers to say
it is like you are saying "ARE WE A"
So that has helped me say Aria in the proper way.
Okay so we have had lots of Collins babies in this family.
Including my two grandabies which are the beauties
to my heart but this baby, oh my! Okay enough talking…
I had kept Little Lillian for the day who was a tad
under the weather so I had decided not to bring her with me
so as not to get out little Aria sick. But the minute her
Mommy picked her up I was
"ON THE ROAD AGAIN"
I knew her birthday was one to be shared with just the
immediate family, you see guys, I know where my place is….
sometimes…. anyway, yesterday no way I was going
another day without seeing this sweet baby and that she is.
We kept telling C, girl wait, there are no words to explain
what happens when that grand baby comes.
We tried to explain it but no words.
Now she knows, has fallen right into the Sugar role
with no instruction book needed.
This above pic is one of my very favorite, I really think she has the
best of both parents and I know she will change daily for the
next few weeks but she is perfect.
Her other grandparents are calling Aria grand baby two
as they have another little girl they love as much as Aria.
Then there is the beautiful family,
You cannot tell from these pics just how hard this
C-Section has been for Mommy Amanda.
MY Kd said she would have all babies the natural way
rather than a section so I kind of know how much she
is struggling. But look at that smile, no complaints from this
lil Momma, because she beams when she gets to see
just what she has won and knows soon she will be back to
her old self.
I can't say enough about my dear nephew, Arthur.
the men of today, they are a new breed. They not only take
good care of their wives but their babies right away,
become theirs. There is nothing he can't do that Amanda can
except for breast feeding. If he could he would….lol
Just like Baby Boy, can be another set of hands for his
wife who will have her hands full. I am so proud
of BB and now of Arthur who was a little Shit
as a kid. Yet, his Aunt Lil, well she always "got him"
I did worry about him a few times, but look what he has
become and then to be a mentor to my little nephew, Jrew,
he is more than just one thing, he is multi faceted and
out of all the nieces and nephews, Celena's boys are two of
the sweetest there is. Aria will have him wrapped, won't take
long, I think it has already happened.
What most impressed me was the way he cared for his wife.
Remember although they have been a couple for a long time,
they are still newlyweds, they wanted babies right away so
took care of that on their honeymoon.
Now it is three of them. I watched as he helped his
wife, in pain, get out of bed and to the bathroom.
No rushing, letting her call the shots and the tempo
of the movement. Just watching him with her made me
want to tear up. He loves her and I pray, in thirty years
from now, they never forget just how much
they love each other today.
Beautiful for just having this little sweetheart, right?
Poor Aria had a little hard time before her section.
He little face is swollen and one little eye is bruised from trying
to come down her mommy's hips that were too small for her
to fit. She is full, full, full of long black hair. Like almost
needs a haircut…. I am sure she will loose lots of it, but
it is so silky and beautiful.
Her ears are the cutest. I am a baby neck/ear gal.
It's always the first thing I check out, those ears.
Hers are the cutest little things, like JBelle's are.
I made her a little angry when I had to check out her little
feet and toes and her little hands. It was time for her to
wake up anyway, feeding time.
I love the picture of Sugar kissing her cheek but I think
this one is my very favorite. It is like she and Sugar are
sharing something mentally with each other.
They will share so much if she is anything like
Bean and J.Belle and their Mumsie.
Like Sugar is mentally telling her,
"Oh the places we will go, the things we will do"
I know right now, Sug, you are thinking,
"It won't get better than this"
but it will. As she grows and her little personality
becomes one she can share, it will grow into more
love you can speak of.
And now my little Aria, your promise from your
(name I am trying to get all the new babies to call
me, those born after I became a Mumsie)
I will always be there for you.
Just like the relationships I have had with all my nieces
and nephews and now the great ones, I try and make
each of them feel special when with their Aunt Mumsie.
My age is getting up there, yet I feel the youngest
I have in years. I will try my best to continue the
traditions I have made with all those little babies
who call me Aunt Lil, Aunt Mumsie….
I love you sweet, Aria and one final promise.
You will not only know me by name,
You will know me by words and actions.
Love you my sweet great niece.
Art, Auntie Lil is so very proud of you
and you new wife.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Prepare yourself for a lengthy one.
When I was 5 and had an incurable cancer,
called Wilms Tumor. My aunt GaGald
gave me a ms. Beasley doll.
My prognosis was not good and I would not eat.
Aunt GaGald asked what I wanted to make
me eat. I loved the show Family Affair and on
that show the little girl Buffy had a doll called
Ms. Beasley. Buffy was a sad little girls so
she told Ms. Beasley everything.
In my 5 year old mind, I needed one like that.
So my Aunt GaGald, one of my many aunts
who would have done anything for me especially
to get me to eat, bought me a Ms. Beasley.
What she gave me was more than just a new doll.
I hated my family to cry. Even at 5 years old,
I knew I was the reason for everyone's sadness.
So I told Ms.Beasley everything.
She came to all my hospital stays,
all my radiation treatments when I had to lay still
for over an hour without even scratching my nose.
No one could come in with me, all my Mommy and
Daddy could do was watch me, let me know they were there
through a very small window in an iron clad door.
One of their faces were always in that window
so I could see them. Ms. Beasely, she was right
there at me side. I told My gal all I feared,
all I was sad about, everything.
I back then had chem until I was almost 8.
Then I refused to die and got better.
One day Ms. Beasly found herself at the bottom of
my toy box and when C tried to get her, she ripped
her head off. It was a funeral and my sis felt terrible.
My dad safety pinned her head back on but it
just was not the same so over the next few months
she just didn't have her importance anymore.
(It is why Toy Story 3 makes me cry)
Okay, that was the long back ground story.
Many, many years later, my sisters got together
and found me a brand new Ms. Beasely.
I was a grown woman, with two children on
my own, and yet, they gave me this most special gift.
I did not leave her in the box, I didn't care about
how her value would decrease out the box.
i didn't have her for value, I had her for love.
So for the last 14 years she has held high places of
honor in my home. Then Bean came along
and she too loved her. But she like fussing her too
much. Ms. Beasely talks, so when she says
"SPEAK A LITTLE LOUDER DEAR, SO MS. BEASLEY
CAN HEAR YOU" Bean would tell her
"Well you need to be quiet when I talk to you"
Poor Ms. Beasley. But I loved that we played with her.
Then comes the message and the family contacts of
a sweet 7 year old named Mak.
I find out that she has the same Wilms tumor I have.
Her Mommy is a bayou gal, her daddy is a VAcherie boy.
Although they are separated, they are doing all that
is needed for Mak, putting themselves on the side.
I was asked a few weeks ago to be a guest speaker
at her benefit. You know me, give me a microphone and
an audience, and I am there!
I did my speech to all these people gathered for the love
of one little girl. I was overwhelmed to be a part of all
of this. Mac was quite sick that day, all she could do
is sit in an air-conditioned car as she had just been
discharged from Children's. After I spoke, I went into the
car to see a very sick little girl who was not smiling
much that day. I told her she and I had the same type
of cancer and I was coming play at her house one
day soon. Her face lit up and asked, "When?"
Since then I have had the calling that my lovely Ms Beasley
had to go to Mac. I made her a journal and wrote the
whole story in a handmade journal I made her.
I checked with all my sisters and all her so
sensitive and supportive about it.
My decision was made. I tole Bean a little about Mac
without making her sad because for a three year old,
she is so emotional about sad things.
Just told her Ms. Beasley was going live for
a little while with a little girl who needed her more than
us right now. That when she was not needed anymore,
she would return her. That day Bean had a bracelet I had
bought her a long time ago on. She had found it somewhere,
she said, "Mumsie, I have a great idea, lets put this
bracelet on Ms. Beasley before she goes. I thought
that was a great idea.
She placed it on herself and I was stunned when I read
what the bracelet said:
HOPE on one side MIRACLE on the other.
OMG! this child cannot read and yet something inside
of her knew this bracelet needed to go to Mak.
She then put Ms. beasley in her car seat and there she
stayed until yesterday.
Now would be the time for kleenex if you have not needed it yet.
Yesterday I make plans to visit with Mak and her Dad
in Vacherie as she is with her Daddy that day.
I walk in to see a very happy little girl that day.
She had had blood the day before and chemo.
so the poisons had not yet made her tired yet.
Perfect day. I ask if I can read her the story of
my Ms. Beasley while her daddy stayed with us.
Her great grandmother was there also. As I read
the 4 page story, she held Ms. Beasley tightly and listened
intently. Her dad, sitting next to me, I could hear crying a bit.
Mak just listened to every word I said and loved on our
doll. When I finished, she asked if she could
speak with me alone.
She asked the most personal questions that will always be between
she and I. She asked "What if I forget you?"
I promised I would be a part of her life forever,
because I wanted to see her grow into the special young woman
she was becoming. This chid will be special, she will have the
gift of gab as I do and I just know she ail reach out to
others as I do. We bonded right away.
If I ever had the doubt as to whether I did the right thing by
passing on Ms. Beasley, I do not now.
Her Mother was on her way to pick her up
but I was not able to stay longer than the few hours I did.
So on my way home, I got a text from her Mommy
thanking me so much, saying she does not know
what she has done for their daughter by this gift
of the doll and a friendship Mak just would not stop speaking
of. I get home feeling very happy and content with my decisions.
I pull up at home and her Mommy had sent me this picture:
Her chemotherapy finally kicked in.
Those damned poisons it takes to save our Mak.
She fell asleep in the back seat with Ms. Beasley
tucked tightly into her arms.
I cry. I will miss Ms. Beasley but if I never
get her back, I know she is where she is supposed
Love to all!
Thursday, August 7, 2014
I cannot be 51 since my head believes I am still
a kid, well, so does my Bean…. oh well that is
a different blog. My niece, Tiffany has expected
me at our mutual friend, Shirley's garden party
on Saturday. It's my first garden party so don't ask
questions….. I know I have to wear a casual dress
and a hat… it's kinda like a tea party with adult beverages.
Tiffany also has asked me soooo many times,
"Please come up for your birthday, we can go
watch the Saints game at VooDoo Lounge which
is a bar that is owned by some of her best friends.
I have never been the bar type but I have also
not been the single type in a while soooo, why not?
Called her yesterday, told her I was coming for the whole
weekend, I swear I could have told her she won the
lottery. My dear niece, always so over the top,
she got that from me…lol.
So Friday night I am following her lead, wherever
she takes me and then we gunna stay up all
night talking just like when we were little girls,
or we gunna fall asleep because we too old for this lol.
I am really excited for the garden party as lots
of my old nursing friends from the older Lady of the Sea.
So excited that Shirley invited me and I am sure
I will make new friends also.
Tiffy and I we might even make two nights out
but I am a tad old, like 51!!!! lol
Sunday I have to go visit my Linz, the bestie baby
and the bestie, but I also have a very special visit.
I have to bring Ms. Beasly to her new temporary home.
Gunna be a good one.
Monday, August 4, 2014
I am going on a limb. going to explain
the way I feel about surrender and forgiveness,
what I have learned through many years of alanon
that I still attend as well as counseling that I have
used a few times in my life.
I am going to try and explain this in a way that others
may understand and yet I know there will always
be those who won't' get it because the world even
though they preach forgiveness they stay bitter.
I don't want to be a bitter old lady, I want to
be a happy old lady that makes people sick with
her happiness. Far from that but I can say this,
my forgiveness and surrendering has given me
a peace and a comfort that has allowed me to
quiet down my life a tad and enjoy life a little more.
I am not perfect, I still slip to anger sometimes,
I try and work through this with my sponsor
and friends who can listen without trying to
change me. I am so blessed with many like this.
I still get aggravated and the fact is,
most of the time I love who I am, yet there
is something about Ronnie and I in the same room
sometimes brings out the worst in us,
turns me into someone I don't like.
I am trying to let this go.
Fact, is I am not perfect so this blog is not about
"Look at me, look how perfect I am"
I am so so far from perfect.
I write this in a positive way and will ask to comment
if you like but leave all negative comments off.
I will delete any I feel counteract what I am trying
to do here. Okay, now on with the story.
JILLY AND I LOVE TO SAY,
"WE SOME LOVERS NOT SOME FIGHTERS"
BUT I WAS ASHAMED TO SAY THAT
WHEN IT COMES TO THE END OF A MARRIAGE
THAT IS NOT ALWAYS EASY.
MANY OF YOU REALIZE THAT RONNIE AND I
ARE SEPARATED AND OUR MARRIAGE IS OVER.
IT HAS BEEN FOR SOME TIME.
WE WERE LIVING A MARRIAGE OF CONVENIENCE,
WHAT I DID NOT EXPECT WAS AN AFFAIR.
THAT IS THE PART THAT GOT ME.
THAT IT WAS WITH SOMEONE I LOVED MADE
IT EVEN HARDER. NOT GOING INTO THAT
AS THIS AGAIN, IS NOT ABOUT THAT.
JUST GIVING THE BACKGROUND OF THE
BEGINNING OF THE END.
ALL WERE HURT, AFTER 28 YEARS OF SOBRIETY
MYSELF AND THE KIDS HAD WATCHED THIS
MAN WE ALL LOVED GO FROM BEING
AN HONORABLE AND GOOD DADDY TO
A DRUG ADDICT. HE WOULD TRY SO HARD TO
BE SOBER THEN SLIP AND BINGE.
I ALSO WANT IT TO BE KNOWN THAT THROUGH
THIS I WAS NOT THE PERFECT WIFE,
I TRIED AND TRIED AND THEN I JUST GAVE UP.
AGAIN, A MARRIAGE OF CONVENIENCE.
I DID NOT WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE
IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT HAD NOTHING IN COMMON
AND CAUSED US EITHER TO FIGHT OR NOT TALK
AT ALL. AGAIN, I HATED WHO I BECAME WHEN
I WAS AROUND HIM. HOWEVER, TO BE HONEST,
I MAY HAVE STAYED AND BEEN MISERABLE HAD
IT NOT BEEN FOR THE AFFAIR.
NOW THE STORY. RONNIE MOVED OUT AND WE
FOUGHT. WE FOUGHT, AND WE FOUGHT.
WE TRIED TO FIX THINGS AND FOR A FEW
DAYS IT WAS OKAY AND THEN WE FOUGHT SOME MORE.
BOTH THE KIDS AND KD WERE HAVING NOTHING
TO DO WITH HIM AND HE HAD NOT ONLY NOT
SEEN BEAN IN MONTHS BUT HAD NOT EVER
SEEN J.BELLE AT ALL.
I CAN SAY I DIDN'T WANT TO PUNISH HIM AND
MY HEART REALLY DIDN'T WANT BUT OH MY
HEAD WANTED HIM TO SUFFER, AND SUFFER BAD.
SO I USED THAT MOUTH OF MINES TO CONTINUE TO
STAB HIM. HE WAS STABBING HIMSELF DAILY,
SURE HE DIDN'T NEED MY HELP. THROUGH ALL
OF THIS HE WAS NOT SOBER, IT WAS BAD,
NOT MY STORY TO SAY HOW BAD BUT IN THE CONDITION
HE WAS IN, I WAS SUPPORTIVE OF HIM NOT BEING
IN THE KIDS LIFE. ONE WEEKEND, WE WERE JUST
SO UGLY WITH EACH OTHER I COULD NOT GET OUT
MY HOUSE, BARELY COULD GET OUT OF BED.
I HAD PLANS TO SPEND A FEW DAYS WITH MY BESTIE
LAURIE AND THE BESTIE DAUGHTER, LINZ
AS WELL AS TIFFY. I TOLD THEM ALL NOT TO COME.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT TRUE FRIENDS
THEY DO NOT LISTEN. NO MATTER WHAT I SAID
THEY CAME ANYWAY AND WHEN MY DEAR
LAURIE AND LINZ WALKED THROUGH MY DOOR
I LOST IT. I CRIED A RIVER ON THE SHOULDER ON
ONE OF MY TWO BEST BESTIES IN THE WORLD.
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I WOULD HAVE EVER DONE
WITHOUT THOSE GIRLS ALL SHOWING UP
NO MATTER WHAT. I WAS PHYSICALLY AND
MENTALLY SICK. THEY WERE JUST THERE AND LISTENED.
THEY PUT NO ONE DOWN, LET ME VENT AND WAS THERE.
THAT NIGHT AGAIN, VIA PRIVATE MESSAGES
THERE WAS SOME DIRT SLINGING.
I FINALLY HAD TO END IT. I HAD TO GO TO BED.
YET, THERE WAS GOING TO BE NO SLEEP FOR ME.
I PRAYED, I PRAYED, I PRAYED
"GOD PLEASE, I CANNOT CONTINUE TO LIVE
LIKE THIS, I HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO GET PAST
THE BETRAYAL OF ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS
WHO I LOOKED AT LIKE A SISTER, GOD HELP
ME BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW MUCH I HATE
IT WHEN RONNIE SAYS IT, I KNOW
I HAVE TO HELP MY CHILDREN: 'HONOR THY FATHER
I KNOW I HAVE A JOB
TO PLAY IN MY ADULT KIDS LIVES TO TEACH
THEM HOW TO FORGIVE, I WILL HAVE TO ONCE
RONNIE IS SOBER TRY AND TEACH THROUGH
THEN FINALLY, BECAUSE INSTEAD OF ASKING
SO MANY PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW WHERE
WE OR I WAS, I FINALLY ASKED GOD THE ANSWER
YOU SAY, ALL YOU WANT IS FOR HIM TO BE SOBER
SO THAT HE CAN BE IN YOUR CHILDREN'S LIVES
THEN YOU WILL HAVE TO STOP THROWING DIRT ON
HIM. HE WILL NEVER GET SOBER AS LONG AS
YOU CONTINUE TO THROW IN HIS FACE ALL
HE HAS DONE WRONG IN THIS MARRIAGE,
BELIEVE ME, HE KNOWS WHAT HE HAS DONE WRONG.
YOU REMINDING HIM WILL NOT GET HIM SOBER.
STEP OUT AND LET ME DO WHAT I DO."
I BELIEVE MY THOUGHTS THAT NIGHT WERE TRULY
FROM GOD AND THE VERY NEXT MORNING I AWAKENED
AND CALLED HIM AND SURRENDERED. TOLD HIM
ALL I WANTED WAS FOR HIM TO BE SOBER AND
TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY KIDS. THAT
IS IT, ALL I WANT. I TEXTED MY ONCE FRIEND
AND TOLD HER I ALSO SURRENDERED TO HER.
I DID NOT YET FORGIVE HER NOR DID I EVER
SEE US BEING IN A PLACE THAT WE WERE EVER
FRIENDS, I KNEW I HAD TO LET IT GO SO MY KIDS
COULD HEAL. ALL I ASKED OF HER WAS TO
DO ALL SHE COULD TO HELP HIM GET SOBER
AND TO STEP BACK SO MY KIDS COULD HAVE THEIR
DADDY, SO HE COULD HEAL THE DAMAGE HE HAD
DONE TO THEM. THAT WAS IT, FROM THAT DAY,
YES I HAVE STILL CRIED MANY TIMES AND BEEN
ANGRY. I REMAIN IMPERFECT, I HAVE SHARED
WITH THOSE I CAN TRUST ESPECIALLY WITH MY
KD AND THE ADULTS WHO CALL ME MOMMA.
ONCE I DECIDED TO STOP PLAYING GOD AND
GET OUT THE WAY, AMAZING THINGS STARTED
HAPPENING. RONNIE IS IN OUTPATIENT DRUG REHAB.
HE TOO IS NOT PERFECT, HAS HAD MANY HARD DAYS
BUT HE IS GETTING THERE AND SOON TO BE
OFF ALL MEDS THAT ARE MOOD ALTERING.
HE IS ATTENDING MEETINGS ALMOST DAILY
AND IN COUNSELING TO FIX THE THINGS
HE HAS DAMAGED. GYPSY BABY WAS THE FIRST
TO COME AROUND. A FEW WEEKS AFTER PROVING
HE WAS SERIOUS ABOUT SOBRIETY BABY BOY
CAME AROUND AND HE WAS FINALLY ABLE TO
SEE THE BABIES ON BB AND KD'S TERMS OF COURSE.
AND MY KD, OH MY KD, A TRUE WIFE.
SHE STOOD BY HER HUSBAND, SUPPORTED WHATEVER
HE NEEDED. HAS STOOD BY HER MOTHER IN LAW (ME)
AND LISTENED TO MY ANGER, MY FEARS, MY TEARS.
GYPSY BABY AND KAYSHARA, SHARA, SPENDING
MUCH TIME WITH ME. GYPSY THANKED ME FOR
GIVING HER THE PERMISSION TO DO WHATEVER
SHE HAD TO DO BETWEEN HE AND HER DADDY.
I COULD HAVE STAYED BITTER AND COULD HAVE
HAD BOTH THOSE CHILDREN STAY LOYAL TO ME
BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT I FEEL A REAL MOTHER DOES.
FROM THE BEGINNING OF ALL OF THIS I LET THEM
BOTH KNOW THAT NO MATTER WHAT DECISIONS THEY
MADE I WOULD SUPPORT THEM AND NOTHING THEY
DID WOULD BE DISLOYAL TO ME.
I REMINDED THEM THAT THIS MARRIAGE HAD BEEN OVER.
YES, WE HAD A RIGHT TO BE HURT AND ANGRY OVER
THE AFFAIR BUT EVENTUALLY WE HAD TO MAKE
DECISIONS ON THAT AND LET IT GO. I DECIDED ON LETTING
IT GO. GYPSY'S COMMENTS AS WELL AS THE LOVE LETTER
I SHARED A FEW BLOGS AGO, SAYS ALL OF HOW PROUD I
AM OF THAT ONE.
AS FOR BABY BOY, I THINK HE HAS WANTED TO PROTECT
ME FROM THE BEGINNING. I AM BETTER BABY BOY,
HAPPY, CONTENT, IN A GOOD PLACE. I THANK YOU
FOR TAKING THE REIGNS WHEN I COULD NOT BUT
I AM BETTER NOW AND CAN NOW JUST BE YOUR
MOMMA AGAIN. ONCE HE AND HIS DAD BEGAN
TO TALK AND START TO GO THROUGH THE YUCK
AND START TO WORK ON THEIR HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
I GET A TEXT FROM BABY BOY:
"YEAH WELL, THANKS FOR NOT BEING BITTER
AND STILL LETTING US HAVE HIM AROUND."
So, there is my story about forgiveness, bitterness will make
you physically and emotionally sick, It is always your own choice
but I am glad my children are like me in that way.
As I told Gypsy baby, forgiveness is not only for the one you
are forgiving, it is for you. I know since I have surrendered my
life has gotten so much better.
Thanks dear friends, all of you, who have reached out to me.
I could never mention you all as leaving one out would make
me feel terrible. You know who you are. If you called, sent a card,
spent time with me when i asked, giving advice via private
fb messages, given me reading homework, showed up when
I begged you not to, for getting me out the house, prayed for my family,
or just understood, thank you so much.
I love and appreciate each and every one of you.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
43. Yep, 43.
My babies, especially my lil Gypsy
makes fun of me on the things I call miracles.
Fact of the matter is, I believe too many people call
little miracles coincidences.
Well, I have a little miracle to share with you all,
Thanks Erica for allowing me to share what really
is your story. Erica and Baby boy have been friends
as children. Her hubby, Scott, BB's friend since high school.
They are a couple that prove some still do marry their
high school sweethearts. I am one of those obnoxious mom's
who once you are friends with my kiddo's I usually hold you
close to my heart, still a part of your life many years later.
It is one of the reasons I love Facebook, seeing all their
old friends, growing up, their own families.
Okay, back to the story.
Erica had seen some of the frames I have made and
hired me to make two of them for her.
One for her two sweet and precious boys
and then a very special one.
You see, Erica lost her daddy way too young to
see her little boys grow up. She was her Daddy's girl and
she was missing him terribly so her second frame was for her daddy.
I asked her to tell me a little about her Daddy.
Not about the Randy I knew as her Dad but who he was to his
little girl. She shared a few pictures with me.
She said he loved football,(Really loved football) pitt bulls
and the number 43 had
to be somewhere on the frame.
I asked her to tell me a little more of the number.
It was her Dad's number for football when he was younger
as well as his favorite number. She shared with me that
since he has been gone the number comes up always
in her life and she feels like that is his way of letting
Erica... know he is watching over all of them.
I start the frame but this one is taking me longer to put
together. When making such an important piece of art
for a little momma who misses her daddy.
I started it but just thought something was missing.
I put it aside for a few weeks. Even though she had
sent me a few pictures, It just was not what this frame
needed. The day I was on my way to spend time
with Ma Gus and her family who are my friends
I passed on highway one because road work was
a mess on 308,
As I pass Raceland, a little second hand store
that another friend, Doris has told me about is open.
It is never opened when I pass so I have to U-turn
in the middle of the road. Yep, my car breaks for all
garage sales and special stores.
I know I don't have much time but when I start talking….
I am going through all the mini's that I love and
come across a small bag with two antique little
wooden footballs. Don't know how old they are
but I get really excited because I have just found
what it is I need to finish Erica's most special frame.
Not only are they already sooo cheap but there is
a 20 percent off sale. I don't know percent off dollar fifty
but I would have paid the whole amount, it did not matter.
Cool little footballs, right? Look how someone drew
the laces on this wood football. They are solid wood.
I have to move on to Ma Gus
so I buy them and a few more things I "Just had to have"
and went on my way. It was not until a few days later
that the little number miracle that happens to Erica all the
time came to me.
I am ready to finish the frame. When doing one like this,
I always worry that it just will not be good enough
for the loved one who has passed. It will not be enough
to give comfort to a little girl who loves and misses her
daddy so much. I also know though, that I have to get
it done. I go to the scrap room where the "MAGIC"
I take out one little football and I take out the second,
I kid you not, on the back of the football someone
had added the number 43!!!
Yes, I kid you not, it was plain as can be, 43!!!!
I right away text Erica to make sure I am not mixing up
the number, "the number is 43 right?"
then I tell her what has just happened to me
and she is in shock just like me.
Now, I can finish this frame and get it to one
Daddy's little girl who misses him so.
(the middle portion where the pic goes
is just my advertisement paper, it does not stay
once the pic is placed)
God, he often uses me as an instrument of His Peace.
This one was my pleasure.
Thanks Erica for trusting me with such an important job.
I love you and your sweet little family.
I Hope each time you look at this frame, see that little football,
you feel Daddy Randy's presence watching over you all.