Saturday, February 4, 2012
Good days are to be treasured
I am not sure what I owe gratitude to,
but whatever it is, Thank you , thank you, thank you!!
Both mentally and physically I have had some awesome days.
It began this week when I talked myself into
going to my school, TES to get my final things
and visit. It has been hard for me to go there,
to see the children and all my dear friends.
Monday, I make myself go and although I am dreading
the visit, I miss everyone so much.
I am sad while there when hugging the children
and hearing all the problems they have had since
I have been gone. To say aloud, that I love
them but I won't be their school nurse anymore
as I have decided to retire, was also hard
but I said it and I said it more than once.
I visited many of my friends, hugged many
packed up the things that belonged to me personally,
and left with a heavy heart.
Something happened on the drive back home.
A lightness, an acceptance, that I am not going back.
I began to see the day, once again, for what it is,
it was a beautiful day.
I also have had some days free from any pain thanks
to the Duragesic patch I now wear.
On that day I also completed the collection of all my
medical paperwork I needed from the various doctors
that I have seen over the years. I completed reading
all of the hundred some-odd papers that I had to
submit to teachers retirement, mailed them off
and promised myself that I am done with the reading
of myself on paper. That yes, I have all those problems,
that is me I am reading about but it does not have to
define me. I can be happy in spite of what papers say.
Since then I have had a lightness on my heart,
a pep in my step. It has been a matter of attitude
since the pain is still there most days.
I have journaled more lately, making mental
plans with myself as to what I want to do.
I have spoke and visited many since that Monday.
I have not had to force myself to do things outside of the home
instead, looking forward to doing it.
This week I have had a small problem with my eyes,
a corneal abrasion that I thought at first was pink eye.
Even that has not deterred me from my good days.
On Wednesday night I went sleep in Plaquemine to keep
Bean on Thursday. As is my habit, on Wednesday night
I get to rock her to sleep. On that night, she and I
settle in her room with her bottle.
She drinks most of the bottle while I hum and sing
sweet nothings to her.
She turns to her belly, laying her head on my shoulder.
I believe she is asleep but I am still not ready to lay her down
in her bed. After a few minutes, she picks up her head
and in the dark, I feel her just staring at me, looking into my face.
Then she opens her mouth as she does now to kiss and lays
those open lips right on mines without my asking for it.
Once is not enough, she does this at least 6 or 7 times in
a row. Oh, I am in love, I am melting, there is no way
to explain the love I have for this child.
then she puts her little hands under her body,
lays her head back on my shoulder and hums me a few bars
until she falls asleep.
I pray to God,
"God, when I am having a rotten day, let me remember this
night as being all I ever need, kisses from those I love,
gentleness and kindness to and for those I love"
Life is good in spite of chronic pain,
life is good.