Monday, August 4, 2014
I'M A LOVER NOT A FIGHTER….
I am going on a limb. going to explain
the way I feel about surrender and forgiveness,
what I have learned through many years of alanon
that I still attend as well as counseling that I have
used a few times in my life.
I am going to try and explain this in a way that others
may understand and yet I know there will always
be those who won't' get it because the world even
though they preach forgiveness they stay bitter.
I don't want to be a bitter old lady, I want to
be a happy old lady that makes people sick with
her happiness. Far from that but I can say this,
my forgiveness and surrendering has given me
a peace and a comfort that has allowed me to
quiet down my life a tad and enjoy life a little more.
I am not perfect, I still slip to anger sometimes,
I try and work through this with my sponsor
and friends who can listen without trying to
change me. I am so blessed with many like this.
I still get aggravated and the fact is,
most of the time I love who I am, yet there
is something about Ronnie and I in the same room
sometimes brings out the worst in us,
turns me into someone I don't like.
I am trying to let this go.
Fact, is I am not perfect so this blog is not about
"Look at me, look how perfect I am"
I am so so far from perfect.
I write this in a positive way and will ask to comment
if you like but leave all negative comments off.
I will delete any I feel counteract what I am trying
to do here. Okay, now on with the story.
JILLY AND I LOVE TO SAY,
"WE SOME LOVERS NOT SOME FIGHTERS"
BUT I WAS ASHAMED TO SAY THAT
WHEN IT COMES TO THE END OF A MARRIAGE
THAT IS NOT ALWAYS EASY.
MANY OF YOU REALIZE THAT RONNIE AND I
ARE SEPARATED AND OUR MARRIAGE IS OVER.
IT HAS BEEN FOR SOME TIME.
WE WERE LIVING A MARRIAGE OF CONVENIENCE,
WHAT I DID NOT EXPECT WAS AN AFFAIR.
THAT IS THE PART THAT GOT ME.
THAT IT WAS WITH SOMEONE I LOVED MADE
IT EVEN HARDER. NOT GOING INTO THAT
AS THIS AGAIN, IS NOT ABOUT THAT.
JUST GIVING THE BACKGROUND OF THE
BEGINNING OF THE END.
ALL WERE HURT, AFTER 28 YEARS OF SOBRIETY
MYSELF AND THE KIDS HAD WATCHED THIS
MAN WE ALL LOVED GO FROM BEING
AN HONORABLE AND GOOD DADDY TO
A DRUG ADDICT. HE WOULD TRY SO HARD TO
BE SOBER THEN SLIP AND BINGE.
I ALSO WANT IT TO BE KNOWN THAT THROUGH
THIS I WAS NOT THE PERFECT WIFE,
I TRIED AND TRIED AND THEN I JUST GAVE UP.
AGAIN, A MARRIAGE OF CONVENIENCE.
I DID NOT WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE
IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT HAD NOTHING IN COMMON
AND CAUSED US EITHER TO FIGHT OR NOT TALK
AT ALL. AGAIN, I HATED WHO I BECAME WHEN
I WAS AROUND HIM. HOWEVER, TO BE HONEST,
I MAY HAVE STAYED AND BEEN MISERABLE HAD
IT NOT BEEN FOR THE AFFAIR.
NOW THE STORY. RONNIE MOVED OUT AND WE
FOUGHT. WE FOUGHT, AND WE FOUGHT.
WE TRIED TO FIX THINGS AND FOR A FEW
DAYS IT WAS OKAY AND THEN WE FOUGHT SOME MORE.
BOTH THE KIDS AND KD WERE HAVING NOTHING
TO DO WITH HIM AND HE HAD NOT ONLY NOT
SEEN BEAN IN MONTHS BUT HAD NOT EVER
SEEN J.BELLE AT ALL.
I CAN SAY I DIDN'T WANT TO PUNISH HIM AND
MY HEART REALLY DIDN'T WANT BUT OH MY
HEAD WANTED HIM TO SUFFER, AND SUFFER BAD.
SO I USED THAT MOUTH OF MINES TO CONTINUE TO
STAB HIM. HE WAS STABBING HIMSELF DAILY,
SURE HE DIDN'T NEED MY HELP. THROUGH ALL
OF THIS HE WAS NOT SOBER, IT WAS BAD,
NOT MY STORY TO SAY HOW BAD BUT IN THE CONDITION
HE WAS IN, I WAS SUPPORTIVE OF HIM NOT BEING
IN THE KIDS LIFE. ONE WEEKEND, WE WERE JUST
SO UGLY WITH EACH OTHER I COULD NOT GET OUT
MY HOUSE, BARELY COULD GET OUT OF BED.
I HAD PLANS TO SPEND A FEW DAYS WITH MY BESTIE
LAURIE AND THE BESTIE DAUGHTER, LINZ
AS WELL AS TIFFY. I TOLD THEM ALL NOT TO COME.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT TRUE FRIENDS
THEY DO NOT LISTEN. NO MATTER WHAT I SAID
THEY CAME ANYWAY AND WHEN MY DEAR
LAURIE AND LINZ WALKED THROUGH MY DOOR
I LOST IT. I CRIED A RIVER ON THE SHOULDER ON
ONE OF MY TWO BEST BESTIES IN THE WORLD.
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I WOULD HAVE EVER DONE
WITHOUT THOSE GIRLS ALL SHOWING UP
NO MATTER WHAT. I WAS PHYSICALLY AND
MENTALLY SICK. THEY WERE JUST THERE AND LISTENED.
THEY PUT NO ONE DOWN, LET ME VENT AND WAS THERE.
THAT NIGHT AGAIN, VIA PRIVATE MESSAGES
THERE WAS SOME DIRT SLINGING.
I FINALLY HAD TO END IT. I HAD TO GO TO BED.
YET, THERE WAS GOING TO BE NO SLEEP FOR ME.
I PRAYED, I PRAYED, I PRAYED
"GOD PLEASE, I CANNOT CONTINUE TO LIVE
LIKE THIS, I HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO GET PAST
THE BETRAYAL OF ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS
WHO I LOOKED AT LIKE A SISTER, GOD HELP
ME BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW MUCH I HATE
IT WHEN RONNIE SAYS IT, I KNOW
I HAVE TO HELP MY CHILDREN: 'HONOR THY FATHER
I KNOW I HAVE A JOB
TO PLAY IN MY ADULT KIDS LIVES TO TEACH
THEM HOW TO FORGIVE, I WILL HAVE TO ONCE
RONNIE IS SOBER TRY AND TEACH THROUGH
THEN FINALLY, BECAUSE INSTEAD OF ASKING
SO MANY PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW WHERE
WE OR I WAS, I FINALLY ASKED GOD THE ANSWER
YOU SAY, ALL YOU WANT IS FOR HIM TO BE SOBER
SO THAT HE CAN BE IN YOUR CHILDREN'S LIVES
THEN YOU WILL HAVE TO STOP THROWING DIRT ON
HIM. HE WILL NEVER GET SOBER AS LONG AS
YOU CONTINUE TO THROW IN HIS FACE ALL
HE HAS DONE WRONG IN THIS MARRIAGE,
BELIEVE ME, HE KNOWS WHAT HE HAS DONE WRONG.
YOU REMINDING HIM WILL NOT GET HIM SOBER.
STEP OUT AND LET ME DO WHAT I DO."
I BELIEVE MY THOUGHTS THAT NIGHT WERE TRULY
FROM GOD AND THE VERY NEXT MORNING I AWAKENED
AND CALLED HIM AND SURRENDERED. TOLD HIM
ALL I WANTED WAS FOR HIM TO BE SOBER AND
TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY KIDS. THAT
IS IT, ALL I WANT. I TEXTED MY ONCE FRIEND
AND TOLD HER I ALSO SURRENDERED TO HER.
I DID NOT YET FORGIVE HER NOR DID I EVER
SEE US BEING IN A PLACE THAT WE WERE EVER
FRIENDS, I KNEW I HAD TO LET IT GO SO MY KIDS
COULD HEAL. ALL I ASKED OF HER WAS TO
DO ALL SHE COULD TO HELP HIM GET SOBER
AND TO STEP BACK SO MY KIDS COULD HAVE THEIR
DADDY, SO HE COULD HEAL THE DAMAGE HE HAD
DONE TO THEM. THAT WAS IT, FROM THAT DAY,
YES I HAVE STILL CRIED MANY TIMES AND BEEN
ANGRY. I REMAIN IMPERFECT, I HAVE SHARED
WITH THOSE I CAN TRUST ESPECIALLY WITH MY
KD AND THE ADULTS WHO CALL ME MOMMA.
ONCE I DECIDED TO STOP PLAYING GOD AND
GET OUT THE WAY, AMAZING THINGS STARTED
HAPPENING. RONNIE IS IN OUTPATIENT DRUG REHAB.
HE TOO IS NOT PERFECT, HAS HAD MANY HARD DAYS
BUT HE IS GETTING THERE AND SOON TO BE
OFF ALL MEDS THAT ARE MOOD ALTERING.
HE IS ATTENDING MEETINGS ALMOST DAILY
AND IN COUNSELING TO FIX THE THINGS
HE HAS DAMAGED. GYPSY BABY WAS THE FIRST
TO COME AROUND. A FEW WEEKS AFTER PROVING
HE WAS SERIOUS ABOUT SOBRIETY BABY BOY
CAME AROUND AND HE WAS FINALLY ABLE TO
SEE THE BABIES ON BB AND KD'S TERMS OF COURSE.
AND MY KD, OH MY KD, A TRUE WIFE.
SHE STOOD BY HER HUSBAND, SUPPORTED WHATEVER
HE NEEDED. HAS STOOD BY HER MOTHER IN LAW (ME)
AND LISTENED TO MY ANGER, MY FEARS, MY TEARS.
GYPSY BABY AND KAYSHARA, SHARA, SPENDING
MUCH TIME WITH ME. GYPSY THANKED ME FOR
GIVING HER THE PERMISSION TO DO WHATEVER
SHE HAD TO DO BETWEEN HE AND HER DADDY.
I COULD HAVE STAYED BITTER AND COULD HAVE
HAD BOTH THOSE CHILDREN STAY LOYAL TO ME
BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT I FEEL A REAL MOTHER DOES.
FROM THE BEGINNING OF ALL OF THIS I LET THEM
BOTH KNOW THAT NO MATTER WHAT DECISIONS THEY
MADE I WOULD SUPPORT THEM AND NOTHING THEY
DID WOULD BE DISLOYAL TO ME.
I REMINDED THEM THAT THIS MARRIAGE HAD BEEN OVER.
YES, WE HAD A RIGHT TO BE HURT AND ANGRY OVER
THE AFFAIR BUT EVENTUALLY WE HAD TO MAKE
DECISIONS ON THAT AND LET IT GO. I DECIDED ON LETTING
IT GO. GYPSY'S COMMENTS AS WELL AS THE LOVE LETTER
I SHARED A FEW BLOGS AGO, SAYS ALL OF HOW PROUD I
AM OF THAT ONE.
AS FOR BABY BOY, I THINK HE HAS WANTED TO PROTECT
ME FROM THE BEGINNING. I AM BETTER BABY BOY,
HAPPY, CONTENT, IN A GOOD PLACE. I THANK YOU
FOR TAKING THE REIGNS WHEN I COULD NOT BUT
I AM BETTER NOW AND CAN NOW JUST BE YOUR
MOMMA AGAIN. ONCE HE AND HIS DAD BEGAN
TO TALK AND START TO GO THROUGH THE YUCK
AND START TO WORK ON THEIR HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
I GET A TEXT FROM BABY BOY:
"YEAH WELL, THANKS FOR NOT BEING BITTER
AND STILL LETTING US HAVE HIM AROUND."
So, there is my story about forgiveness, bitterness will make
you physically and emotionally sick, It is always your own choice
but I am glad my children are like me in that way.
As I told Gypsy baby, forgiveness is not only for the one you
are forgiving, it is for you. I know since I have surrendered my
life has gotten so much better.
Thanks dear friends, all of you, who have reached out to me.
I could never mention you all as leaving one out would make
me feel terrible. You know who you are. If you called, sent a card,
spent time with me when i asked, giving advice via private
fb messages, given me reading homework, showed up when
I begged you not to, for getting me out the house, prayed for my family,
or just understood, thank you so much.
I love and appreciate each and every one of you.