are 15, even if it was not something salvageable anymore,
there is still a grieving process that must happen.
Facts are, we have both made many mistakes
and that we bring out the worst in each other.
It has been a long time since I liked who I was
when around "us".
Each time I think I am getting better, stronger,
a addition to the story is brought to my attention
and I "loose my religion"
Last week, the day before our J.Belle was born,
I met with my parish priest, Father Greg.
I left there feeling strong, free of all those things
that had me feeling angry.
That day I told both the babies that I was done
with discussing this event with them.
I wanted them to know that no matter what,
I was strong and I would be fine.
I also wanted them to know that no matter
what they decided, Their decisions were not to be made
out of loyalty to me. I am far from perfect
but I am one who allows my fears, my hurt to come
out in anger. Today, I am done with that.
I will make my amends where needed and let it go.
Which comes to my title,
I am a self-help book type of person.
On a trip to my second hand book store,
looking for something to make sense of this life,
to get well, I found
STUCK WHY WE CAN'T OR WON'T MOVE ON
by Anneli Rufus
Wish I had began reading this book before I checked the mail.
(don't ask what that means)
"… getting unstuck, becoming free, requires vitality,
bravery, and enough honesty with yourself,
about yourself, to change…"
To be well, I have to do this,
ACCEPTING THE FUTURE ENOUGH TO LET
GO OF THE PAST REQUIRES COURAGE,
HOPE, AND THE KIND OF IMAGINATION
THAT TENDS TOWARD POTS OF GOLD
AND RAINBOWS, NOT CHARRED CORPSES.
IF YOU CAN SPEAK IN THE FUTURE,
TENSE AND SMILE, I THINK YOU ARE AS
BRAVE AS ANY SOLDIER.
I love this statement, it will be my mission statement
for the next few months.
I learned 28 years ago in one of my very first
behind all anger is fear
Never before has this statement shown itself to be true
more than this rainy morning.
As I work through becoming unstuck, I share here
in hopes that someone else gains knowledge and
if faced with this will find comfort in knowing
they are not alone.