Things I didn't realize...

Now being single, there are things, as time goes by,

I have begun to realize.

For instance, I am so thankful that outside of 

mymarriage, I had a way of spending time with those

I love, family and friends.

I cannot blame Ronnie for the things he just could

not give me, that he was not capapable of.

I am the first to tell everyone, even though our marriage

is over, he has always been a good provider and will

continue to assure I am okay. Not many ex's do that.

But it is the other things I have realized.

How much Bean, at the time, was my life line.

Since Thursday, I have been helping KD a lot

with the girls because her cousin, Melissa was married.

Thursday after her school I went to stay with

both girls. Bean is such a good sister.

It amazes me how she just never shows jealousy

to this wee one of ours. I had trouble getting Belle

to sleep and Bean told me about every trick she 

knew that had worked in the past for her and

her parents when none of those worked,

and she waited patiently in the bed with

the 10 books she wanted me to read her,

she shrugged her shoulders, and said,

"Mumsie I am going to read the books to you and

Jolee" and that she did. I was so worried because

it was getting late and I knew Bean had school

the next day. I want to say, my daugther in law,

she is a superwoman with these two sweet ones

who she has one on one when BB is at work.

Finally Belle fell asleep in my arms and was not

about to put her down. held her and read books

until her Mommy got home and put her down.

The next day, I went get Bean at he Maw Maw

as I was going to get her ready for the wedding

and Maw had Belle. Then it was our sleepover

night. That wedding of Melissa and TAte

was great, but for me, having Bean and Belle with us,

made it that much more fun. I am not putting down

those who have weddings without children.

I see the pros and cons of both, but for me,

they are the cutest things.

They danced more than the grownups.

Now, back to things I didn't realize.

I didn't realize just how much Bean has absorbed

of simple silly things I have taught her over the 

years when I was so sad with my marriage.

I do believe she has been my life line.

That night we settle down for bed and she says,

"MUmsie we have to 'foosh the pillows"

I had forgotten that since she was little,

we would throw all the unnecessary pillows across

the room saying, "foosh"

We fooshed the pillows and read books with

her loving up on me the whole time.

I thought as she listened intently and corrected

when I didn't say it quite the way she remembered the book,

how many nights we did this very same thing

when I didn't know where my marriage was heading.

We fell asleep cuddled and if you can get this gal

laughing in the morning, it's going to make for a great day.

She slept late for her and then finally said,

"If you want me to wake up you can rub my back

and carry me to the sofa and get me juice like my Daddy does."

Surely not afraid to say what she needs. Then she reminded

me that at Mumsie's house we don't get up until 

we hear the birds, we heard birds and she popped up.

I was being silly with her and told her,

When we wake up we need to say,

"Top of the morning to ya" 

well that got her laughing and repeating it every few minutes.

Then she does what she does best, touches me.

"MUmsie, I told my teacher, when I sleep at your house

and we go outside we always say, "Good morning World!"

Can we do that, Mumsie?

So we went out and screamed

"Good Morning World"

Oh the things her teacher must hear.

It's just her and Belle's prescence that makes

me realize they have gotten me through some rough

spots. I am going to end this I promise, but one more thing

about just how it is to be around Bean often.

We went on an adventure to the thrift store where she knows

she can fill a bag and it is all hers. She speaks to all she meets,

She sings and has people notice her even when she 

doesn't know it. We go to DC Grill for the bathroom

and she smells that food and "Mumsie I am hungry"

No trouble with me, it's lunch and DC GRill is one

of my faves. She labels the fries, the best in town

and insists I let them know.

As we sit and eat, she hugs my arm and I say,

"Oh Bean don't grow up, stay like this forever"

She unlocks her arm from mines and teaches me

some logic that I just have to come to acceptance about,

"I can't stop, Mumsie" with a fry in her hand "There is

nothing we can do about it"

Oh be still my heart...

and I once again realize, without God, without

these two girls in my life, I doubt I would be doing

as good as I am with these changes in my life.

I live for this little familiy and my gypsy baby.

I realize that I, no one else, but I, am the lucky

one. I love my own company but the company of

those who love me most has gotten me through some

rough spots. I have realized that my children, understand

what I need, sometimes I need my own time, but they never

deny me visits with them and the babies. and I realize

without that I would be nothing of the woman I am today.

Thank you KD, Baby Boy, Gypsy baby, Belle

and most especially Bean for getting me where I am.

I would loose every material possession in this world,

to have you all in my life.

And this I realize, subconciously for a long time,

but conciously over the last few days.