Sunday, March 2, 2014


When does that feeling of being a Mother go away?
Or does it ever go away?
The babies are now 28 and 25 now.
I, well the big 5-0!
Which sets me up to the title of this post.
When HOBL broke his back two years ago,
it was an accident that started with a ladder and
ended with trying to pull Baby Boy's riding lawn mower
out the ditch he had drove it into.
Sometimes, well all the time, he forgets he is no longer 20.
This fall that could have been so darn bad, that
had me have to call an ambulance for a ride to the hospital
because I just could not pull him up,
also was a fall off a ladder.
At first, of course I was concerned but I was mostly mad
that he is so careless and tries to rush everything.
I don't know if he could have prevented the fall but
he could have called for someone to hold the ladder.
Anyhoo, the post is not really about the fall.
So, of course, I was angry but more concerned for the
injuries he may have sustained as we awaited the results of
the X-rays. Kd followed the ambulance to the hospital
and Gypsy met us at the hospital.
When I went into the lobby to get gypsy,
the worry in her always tough persona almost had me
in tears. She rarely cries and when she does it is usually
because she is angry. Yet, those eyes that looked me 
straight in the face, to gauge just how worried she should be
left me wanting to cry for her worry and beat HOBL for
causing it. I know it was an accident but to see her
face trying to read mines killed me.
I calmly smiled and hugged her and told her he
was going to be okay and right away her normal 
personality kicked in and she fussed her Daddy and
joked with him. Baby boy was in contact via text with Kd
during the whole time as he was at work. His question to 
Kd was could he move his toes. Once he knew he could,
he became angry. He looks at us as old people.
He looks at his Dad as a crazy old man.
Kd sends him a picture of his Daddy in a hospital bed
and he calls, the two men, they talk, I hear
one side of the conversation and it is then that I begin to cry.
Not for HOBL but for my babies. They love their Daddy,
even if he drives us all crazy. They worry about him, his 
problems with taking meds. but not wanting him to hurt.
I feel like I have to assure them that I will take care of him.
It is hearing HOBL tell BB 
"I know, I know, I don't need you to fuss, bad grass don't die"
I cry then. I cry because my babies are worried and it does not
matter that they are adults and that there are many things out
there that cause them stress. I just don't want us to be the cause
of their worry and stress. 
A Mothers job, it never ends. I have spoke often
of my Mommy's dementia, that it began the very day we found
out my brother, her own Baby Boy had died.
It is almost like she could not continue her life as long as she
knew her child was dead. I understand that Mommy.
I understand that it does not matter how old they are,
they are our babies and we do not want to see them hurt.
Gypsy, having a grown up conversation with her yesterday,
is going through a little rough patch.
She speaks so maturely, about how at 25 someone should
be comfortable with who they are and if they aren't, she 
has no room in her life for those.
I am proud of her adult thinking but have this longing
to just call her home, lay in my bed with her in my arms
and just rock her…. Her struggles have me feeling a melancholy
longing to have them young again.
Can't go back, can we.
Being a Mommy, well it doesn't end when they call themselves adults.
Hoping HOBL stays safe and knows that no matter what life
seems to throw at us, we seem to make it through.
My babies are his babies also.
I know his intention is never to cause them worry or pain.
Ladder safety will have to be retaught.

1 comment:

  1. Praying for ya'll!!! Forever and ever, my baby you'll be!!!