So much to catch up on…and yet...

There are so many blogs that I need and have to write

that I feel like I am late with all of them because I have not

been blogging much, product of a happy time in my life 

right now. So I have a Joan Rivers blog, one about

my sweet nephew Bronson's wedding, another

about my gypsy baby…

sooo many I have not written, its so wonder I have

any blog followers out there.

Yet today I am veering off the path of all those

I have in my head and heart to write because

I had one of those "AHA" moments while

sitting at PF CHANGS doing what I love,

eating alone while I read a good book.

Had a Mimosa, my favorite drink of right now

that way I knew I would not be forced to leave 

sooner than I wanted to. Gypsy baby told me about

a book she and her gal, Kayshara are reading.

"Mom, you have to get this book like now, the

movie is coming out on Oct. 3 and you have to be prepared"

She then showed me the trailer for the movie and yep,

since I had bank business in BR I stopped by my

favorite Barnes and Noble and purchased the book.

Sat at PF  Changs' and my little waiter was like,

"What? You reading that book?? so am I,

did you see the trailer?? Ben Aflec is gunna be great!"

Awh a young boy who reads, be still my heart.

Okay onward with the meat of this blog that I realize

is getting long already and I have not even written the 

just of it.

So I am now comfortable, got my Mimosa, a diet Coke,

my egg drop soup in front of me and my cashew chicken

on order so I begin to read and  in the first chapter I 

have to tear up. It is not even an important part of the

book, it is the first chapter, setting up the story line 

and still it is me.

"…WHICH WE STILL CALL THE NEW HOUSE, 

EVEN THOUGH WE BEEN HERE FOR TWO YEARS.

…THE KIND OF PLACE I ASPIRED TO AS AKID….

THE KIND OF HOUSE THAT IS IMMEDIATELY FAMILIAR:

GENERICALLY GRAND, UNCHALLENGING,

NEW, NEW, NEW HOUSE THAT MY WIFE WOULD-

AND DID- DETEST"

That started my heart beating fast but it was the next

sentence that got me tearing up,

"SHOULD I REMOVE MY SOUL BEFORE I COME INSIDE?"

…IT WAS A COMPROMISE…

I SUPPOSE ITS NOT A COMPROMISE IF ONLY ONE 

OF YOU CONSIDERS IT SUCH…."

"…AMY DIDN'T SEE IT THAT WAY, TO AMY, 

IT WAS A PUNISHING WHIM ON MY PART…"

"…AND MAKE HER LIVE IN THE KIND OF 

HOUSE SHE USED TO MOCK.."

Now I need to clarify, Ronnie did not make me move

in this home, he did make the decision to buy this one

after a year of looking. I would be lying if I said I didn't

think the home was beautiful and began, in my head,

making it my own. But for me, it was not the type of home

I would have bought had I been single as i am now.

I love old homes, homes with character, homes like

the one I grew up in. Ronnie likes new, things he does

not have to worry about things breaking.

At the time of the move to P town and the buying 

of this home, the marriage was not good, and I sometimes

want to kick myself for not ending it before the move,

I think he knew the same thing but we decided,

we would give the new home, the move to Ptown

a new chance at the marriage, It did not work,

It has never felt like my home, I tried to make it my own,

I was proud to show it to others and in the same sense,

I was also slightly embarrassed about the massiveness of the home,

it just was not us, we were not the type to have this type of home.

I know Ronnie bought it for what he thought was all the 

right reasons, to make me happy, to be on the water like 

I always dreamed, but I was already not happy with us

and I knew the house was way to big for me to be able to

maintain in the way a OCD hubby wished it could be,

but I can't blame him just like the man in the book explained

it was a compromise, I tried to make this home our own,

I tried my best to keep it the cleanest I could, to decorate

it in a way that was my personality, it just didn't work.

Mainly because even then, I knew the marriage was over,

Yes, probably just like Ronnie, I had these false hopes that

maybe the move and the new house could save us.

No one is to blame, but the reading of those words,

did it in for me, put it into perspective. I pray the home

sells soon because even though Ron has been very kind

to let me live here bill free, it was also for him because

his OCD and this huge home just did not mix. Yet,

I still feel like that once sentence that got me crying,

I FEEL LIKE I REMOVED MY SOUL BEFORE I CAME INSIDE

A home cannot make you happy like a home cannot make

your marriage work when two people are half way out already.

Within the next few years, the home will be sold, hopefully,

Ronnie and I will not have these weekly meetings at the house

for him to repair anything that needs it at the time.

I am ready to move on, the house is the last thing that is stopping me.

I don't know how much Ron and I will have to speak about

after and that is okay also. I will never hate him.

He may not have been the type of husband I wanted

but he has always been a good provider to myself and the kiddo's.

Yet, it is time for this lil gal from Golden Meadow to move on

and begin her new life. 

thanks for putting up with this long ass blog….

I promise I will get back to writing more often.
SHOOT, ALL THAT AND DIDN'T EVEN SHARE 
THE NAME OF THE BOOK,
GONE GIRL BY GILLIAN FLYNN