On Wednesday, was discussing with some friends
the baffling disease of addiction.
Trying to grasp this disease is so hard.
It takes a kind, good-hearted person
and turns them into someone who
doesn't resemble someone you know.
I told these friends the only way I
could find compassion for Rod through
difficult times was to tell myself
he had cancer and tough love was the chemotherapy.
Last night while spring cleaning, I came across
this writing that Ronnie received 22 years ago
when he first found sobriety.
I share it in hopes that it helps put
some understanding to the most baffling
disease of addiction, no matter what the
addiction is.
I AM YOUR DISEASE
I HATE MEETINGS, I HATE A HIGHER POWER, I HATE ANYONE
WHO HAS A PROGRAM.
TO ALL WHO COME IN CONTACT WITH ME,
I WISH YOU DEATH AND I WISH YOU SUFFERING.
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF;
I AM THE DISEASE OF ADDICTION.
CUNNING, BAFFLING AND POWERFUL, THAT'S ME.
I HAVE KILLED MILLIONS AND I AM PLEASED.
I LOVE TO CATCH YOU WITH THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE.
I LOVE PRETENDING I AM YOUR FRIEND AND LOVER.
I HAVE GIVEN YOU COMFORT HAVE I NOT?
WASN'T I THERE WHEN YOU WERE LONELY?
WHEN YOU WANTED TO DIE DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?
I WAS THERE. I LOVE TO MAKE YOU HURT.
I LOVE TO MAKE YOU CRY.
BETTER YET, I LOVE TO MAKE YOU SO NUMB
YOU CAN NEITHER HURT OR CRY.
YOU CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL.
THIS IS THE TRUE GLORY.
I WILL GIVE YOU INSTANT GRATIFICATION
AND ALL I ASK OF YOU IS LONG TERM SUFFERING.
I'VE BEEN THERE FOR YOU ALWAYS.
WHEN THINGS WERE GOING RIGHT IN YOUR LIFE,
YOU INVITED ME.
YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THESE GOOD THINGS,
AND I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO AGREED WITH YOU.
TOGETHER WE WERE ABLE TO DESTROY
ALL GOOD THINGS IN YOUR LIFE.
PEOPLE DON'T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.
THEY TAKE HEART ATTACKS SERIOUSLY
AND THEY TAKE STROKES SERIOUSLY.
FOOLS THAT THEY ARE, THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND
THAT WITHOUT MY HELP THESE DISEASES
MAY NOT BE POSSIBLE.
I AM SUCH A HATED DISEASE, AND YET
I DO NOT COME UNINVITED.
YOU CHOOSE TO HAVE ME.
SO MANY HAVE CHOSEN ME OVER REALITY AND PEACE.
MORE THAN YOU HATE ME, I HATE ALL OF YOU
WHO HAVE A TWELVE STEP PROGRAM.
YOUR PROGRAMS-YOUR MEETINGS-YOUR HIGHER POWER.
ALL WEAKEN ME AND I CAN'T FUNCTION IN THE MANNER
I AM ACCUSTOMED TO.
NOW I LIE HERE QUIETLY.
YOU DON'T SEE ME, BUT I AM GROWING,
BIGGER THAN EVER,
WHEN YOU ONLY EXIST, I MAY LIVE.
WHEN YOU LIVE, I ONLY EXIST.
BUT I AM HERE...
AND UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN, IF WE MEET AGAIN,
I WISH YOU SUFFERING AND DEATH.
Pray for all who suffer from this awful disease.
love to all
If you look at it in real tearms, the disease addiction of any kind is the same as I see "The Devil." I believe they are one and the same. I believe the Devil uses addiction in his battle to enlist souls into H _ _ L. And many times he wins.
ReplyDeleteThey both Hate,kill,are Baffling,are Powerful,give instant gratification for long term suffering and are always inviting. So forth and so on. They both hate every one and love suffering and death. We all need to take the Devil seriously. He is very powerful and addiction is only one of his tools.
Ronnnie,(I spell it this way not to be confused with our loving sista,Ronnie,) I was not there for you during your most trying times. But I was not called upon. If I would have, I want you to know, I would have come to your side at any time. Many times it is best to pull back and be at the ready in case you ARE called upon. My hat goes off to you and my hands are raised in your honer of your accomplishments. You have met the Devil,head to head,toe to toe and pounch for punch, and my friend in my eyes, "YOU HAVE WON THE BATTLE." Not many people can make that claim.
I'm sure your wife,my sister, Roddie and Jesi are very proud of you and what you stand for. I can't speek for the whole Collins Clan, but myself I can tell you I have all the respect in the world for you. You have done Right to my sister,You have done Right to your children,You have done Right to my Father and you are still doing Right to my Mother. I could not ask for a better men to have done all these things not only for them but also for me. You are an inspiration to all who are around you. And I wish I was around you more.
I want to take this opportunity to thank you for all you have done for my family and to congradulate you on all of your accomplishments. And thank you for your friendship. I couldn't ask for a better Brother-In-Law for my Lillian then you.
Thank You,Thank You,Thank You,
LUA,
Peter
Ronnie, you know we love you! Lil, thank you for sending this - my Dad is going to send it to a family member battling his addiction also.
ReplyDeleteGreat Posting, Peter, and Lisa, I certainly hope that this will benefit your family member. I want to also acknowledge Roddie and what he has done, and continues to do, to beat the Devil, as well. We all have our crosses to bear and demons to conquer, but for most of us, it does not come close to what Ronnie and Roddie has had to beat. And what about their women!!!! Lilly, Jesi and Katie...kuddos to the three of you also for having enough love and support to get through the toughest times ever. We've all come a long way within this past year and I am so happy that we've been able to get past a very tough time and continue to look forward to the many years ahead of us.
ReplyDeleteAll my love,
C
This is a bitter sweet topic for me. On one hand I remember the terrible time we had both separately in the confines of our own rooms and together as a family. On the other hand I see Roddie now and cherish the times we have had over the past few "good" years. I still get sad when I dwell upon it, or hear others suffering from the disease. It is hard and will always be a hard time in our lives because we do remember, and because we have the knowledge that we can be back to where we were. I treat of addiction as a very fallible subject. I see it as a tattered rope. Once it was new, naive, strong, loved and trusted. Over the years wear and tear is done to it and it becomes unrecognizable, and it becomes brittle, but not broken. It is put aside by others because it has been through hard times. It is still entact now, and slowly others begin to notice and trust it again. It has two choices. It can be strong and hold together for the ones hanging on to it, or break and those who retrusted and loved it again all fall with it.
ReplyDelete"If you love something let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever."-Doug Horton
-Jesi
Jesi you gave a good example of addiction,and I must admit sometimes during my 22 years of being away from the bottle and drugs,I have sometimes wondered if addiction was a disease, but today I don't waste time wondering if it is a disease or not, But I firmly don't believe like some of the people in AA say's about addiction that without a meeting I will be back at my addiction again, now don't get me wrong about AA, I would have never sobered up had it not been for the fellowship of AA and Therapist. You don't rememeber when I sobered up, but I was a mental mess, and thats what keeps me sober today, infact I beleive my 22 years sobriety birtday is tommorow. I firmly believe that I am cured from addiction as long as I never take that first drink or drug, but the minute I decide to make that decision to get high again that I will be addicted again. Some people believe it's the devel and I respect there beliefs,but I created my own devil by using drugs when I was young,had I not used drugs I would have never known the feeling that drugs gave me and today after 22 years I don't obsess on drugs and don't get tempted to do drugs, but I have no doubt that If I took a good drink of Jack Daniels and some drugs I would be addicted again. I remember when I use to go speak at High schools and meetimgs, I would tell kids if your woried of getting addicted to Drugs or Alcholol don't do them then your mind will never know the great effects that addicts feel when getting high, because to be honest I must say for me I use to love to get High and still remember the great feeling that I had when High even after 22 years, but I will never, never forget the deppression and mental anguish taht I had my first years of sobriety and do belive that had i kept using that I would be mentally fried, sometimes I believe I'm fried allready. But don't wory Jesi abotu Roddie I believe He is doing find and I dont see myself going back to that lifestyle. I use to say that the only thing that would make me use again is the daeth of my kids, but today I wouldn't do that, because I would need to be here to support mom, but If a doctor says I'm dying in a couple of weeks, then you can go buy me a bottle.
ReplyDeleteExcuse the misspelled words, program won't let me correct the words without retyping the whole comments over.
ReplyDeleteHey Peter and Celena thanks for the Kind words.
ReplyDeleteHey Lisa, thanks for the kind words to. I forgot to add you, I'm working nights right now and can't think straight, you can tell by all the misspelled words in my blog to Jesi or it can be all the parting I did in high school and didn't pay attention.
ReplyDeletewell I must say that I cried when reading Jesi's comments and also her Daddy's....
ReplyDeleteWhat a great analogy of my child's understanding,
the way she put it is so, so wise that I thought at first it was our other anonymous, Mikie Plaisance...
I have, for a long time, been proud to call myself Riera,
this morning I am humbled by my family who I share that last name with!
Love to all!!!!
Oh, and Ronnie your 22 year sobriety birthday is June 24th,
ReplyDeleteThat I will never forget!!!!
Congratulations to you all!!! I know what you mean, Ronnie, about taking just one drink or 1 useage of drugs because that's exactly how I feel about smoking cigarettes. Of course, realizing that my habit wasn't near as critical as what you and Rod experienced, it's still an addiction. It was 14 years in January that I stopped smoking and I have enough respect of those cancer sticks to know that if I smoke just one, my 14 years of tobacco free living will be over. I also firmly believe that a good way to conquer addiction, at least for mine, is to replace the bad habit with something that is totally opposite of what you're suffering from. The day I gave up cigarettes is the first day that I began exercising and I haven't stopped yet. I'm afraid to stop because it has worked so well for me through the years. Each and every morning I workout from 5:00 to 6:30; is it easy??? Hell no....Do I like it???? Hell no...would I ever give it up???? Hell no...Does it make me happy???? Most definitely so and I can certainly feel the difference in every aspect of my life when I don't keep myself fit.
ReplyDeleteAmazon, in case I haven't told you lately...I love you and am so proud of you. Shit, by your blog, I'd ALMOST, ALMOST have to admit that you have matured...hahahhaha...just kidding, Lovie, you know I love you!!!
A great day to you all!!
C
Let me just say that "Anonymous" couldn't have said it better .... Now Lil, if I ask brother Ron for an Amen will that be acceptable?? You know I have to lighten it up just a tad. Can Brother Ron and I talk about Lust?? That's an addictive topic!! Truth be told, the Rierra's have the type of bond that we all work for in a family. It's bonded by the by-product of drugs and alcohol... it's cemented by love and percerverance .... it's founded on committment by two people who instead of giving up, fought the "devil" and won ........ and last but not least it is continually wrapped up in ..................LUST!!!! AMEN BROTHER RONALD!! CONTINUAL LOVE AND AFFECTION FROM THE ONLY TRUE ANONYMOUS!!
ReplyDeletei just want to say that i was not there to witness any of rod's downfall.....aunt c i really appreciate the "shoutout" lol but i cannot and will not take any credit for roddie being the man he is today. we owe that all to his wonderful parents, ms lilly and tool pusher ron! haha
ReplyDeletems lilly i know you always say it takes a village to raise a child and you're very humble (and mr ronnie)about not taking full credit for roddie.(i know it had to be rods choice to sober up) but if it wasnt for the way ya'll handled it(tough/unconditional love) he would've NEVER made it!! so kudos to ya'll!!
& thank you thank you thank you for EVERYTHING ya'll did.......bc of that i have an amazingly wonderful husband
and to my lil jew bear, you really amaze me at your "grown up" outlook on life. i dont know if it was bc what you saw when roddie was growing up; but being apart of the last high school yrs of your life.....you had me in awe!! your strength to not give in to the stupidity of teenage life!! you are amazing....& i want to thank you as well for the role you played in roddie's road to recovery. i dont think you know how much you truely mean to your brother (he's not the gushy type lol) YOU are your brothers eyes, he adores you. you were his friend throughout all of it. he had to pretty much start from scratch again with building friendships bc the friends he had made were all too "toxic" for his sobriety. you were there for him, he could always count on you to hang out with him and keep him company! thank you for that!
k i think thats all, i dont really know how to do this bc i never wrote on here before, but this one i felt was the perfect opportunity to thank rods great family, well mine now too! :)
-katie riera (ms lilly i must say i think we have the coolest last name lol)
love you all!!
oh and also thanks to the rest of the family (collins clan) ya'll did help raise an amazing man!
am i not the luckiest woman on Earth!!!!!
ReplyDeleteAMAZON HAVE I TOLD YOU LATELY HOW PROUD I AM OF YOU? GOOD COMMENT! LIL AS MUCH AS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS, YOUR TORCH HAS BEEN PASSED TO KATIE. ALTHOUGH, RODDIE WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR BABY SON, HE BECAME KATIE'S HUSBAND. BELIEVE ME SON OR DAUGHTER, IT'S HARD TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE STILL IN THE SCOPE OF THEIR WORLD BUT AT A DIFFERENT CAPACITY. AND THEN WHEN THE GRANDKIDS START COMING THAN THE FUN BEGINS. FUN, FUN, FUN BUT WORRY, WORRY WORRY, AGAIN!
ReplyDeleteTHE RIERA FAMILY HAS BEEN THUR A LOT BUT IF ALL OF YOU WOULD LOOK BACK, YOU'LL WERE NEVER ALONE! YOU'LL HAD EACH OTHER AND YOU'LL HAD FAMILY AND FRIENDS TO BACK YOU'LL UP. OF COURSE, SOME OF US, LIKE ME, WAS SO ANGRY AT WHAT YOU'LL WERE GOING THRU BUT I ALWAYS PRAYED FOR YOU'LL AND CONTINUE TO DO SO!
Miki the older I get the less addictive is my lust drive, but my friend that was another one of my addictions and enjoyed every minute when I was in my tenage years, can I have another Amen brother Miki.
ReplyDeleteoh, oh maybe we have unleashed a monster...
ReplyDeleteFather Ron and Brother Miki.....
this could get complicated...
but Brother Mikie, the decrease in Fr. Ron's lust drive is only because he only has eyes for me.....
AMEN TO ALL!!! THANKS FOR CHIMING IN KATIE..WE LOVE YOU!!
ReplyDeleteSISTER C
CHIMING, CHIMING, WHAT THE HECK IS CHIMING?
ReplyDeleteCh - eye - ming .... Chiming .... Hell I grew up with the Electric Company!!
ReplyDeletechiming is the proper word, sorry for taking sides...
ReplyDeleteWHAT THE H--L DO YOU KNOW LIL, YOUR BRAIN WAS FRIED WITH KEMO (HAVE TO KEEP UP WITH THE BROTHER GIVING OUT TERRIBLE STATEMENTS BUT LIL YOU KNOW I AM JUST KIDDING NOT LIKE THE BROTHER)
ReplyDeletethe proper word would be chemo...
ReplyDeleteas in chemotherapy and yes, it may have been fried but my memory is better than Tiffy's so there must have been something good in that juice
hahahahahaha