Saturday, May 11, 2013

...and then there is Mothers Day...

I realize its just another day on the calendar.
I realize that it should not be one that is harder than
any others and yet, it is.
It is our first Mothers Day without her.
Last night, as we spent time together, the sisters and I
and went through her jewelry, distributing out to 
everyone, assuring that each one of the grandchildren would
get something to remind them of her,
an heirloom to remember her by.
I thought it would be hard, it was not.
It was easier for us to be together than it has been
to be apart from them. As we shared memories, spoke of
the last few months, we made those promises that I guess
many do after loosing a parent,
"lets not loose what we have built in the last few months 
taking care of Mommy" 
"lets promise at least once a month to get together"
As I drive home, that part is the hard part, leaving them,
realizing that the family glue is gone and although
we all mean what we say on this day, we also
are afraid, afraid that we will go on with our lives,
and we will never be as close as we are now, 
as we were when taking care of  our dear Mommy.
Then there is tomorrow, each of us with plans
on spending the day with our own families,
realizing that for the first Mothers Day in our lives,
we do not have our dear Mom. The feeling of
orphan comes to mind, which seems so silly as I am
almost 50. Buy you see, no matter how old you are,
when you are with your Mommy, with your older siblings,
you are still in many ways, Just the "baby of the family"
and I liked that position. I like that even though
I am grown with grown children of my own, when I am 
with them I am still just their baby sister. 
Part of that is gone, again Mommy was the glue.
Tomorrow I plan on spending the day with BB and Kd,
Bean and Kd's gracious family who has not only invited but
insisted I spend the day with them. 
On Monday gypsy baby and kelmiester along with bb and his
little family will gather for our own Mothers day celebration
I will cook gypsy baby's favorite food and we will 
spend the evening together.
In some ways, tomorrow I feel like I would want to just
stay home, not in sadness, not in loneliness but just 
to reflect and take time for myself to come to grips with
my loss. I won't do this, I will spend the day with the
guilbeau/Cresionne' family because that is what will make
my children happy.
Life goes on, I know this loss is and will continue to get better,
the first of each holiday without her will be the hardest.
My prayer is that I and my sisters work hard on 
continuing what my mother managed to do in the 
last few months of her life, get us together,
bond us in ways we had not bonded in for years.
Happy Mothers Day!
If you no longer have your mom, I feel your pain,
if you are fortunate to still have your mom,
hug her, tell her what she means to you, give
her an extra kiss from me,
the "baby of the family"
who is almost 50 but feeling like an orphan.

1 comment:

  1. Lil, praying for you to feel comfort and peace (and your sisters too). You have every right to feel the way you do. Praying for you to heal. It will take a lot of time to not feel as much pain. Sending hugs! :)