Friday, July 29, 2011

JIllaxing Thursdays

Yesterday was my last routine Jillaxing day.
Some of my Thursdays were spent just me and Jilly bean
and some were spent with HOBL (pappy) and BB
when he was home.
Yesterday was one of those days.
BB was home and he and Pappy were in and out,
love those days.
KD goes to her Mom's so she can get some RN studying
done because if Jillybean just smells her Mommy,
it is her she wants.
Back to yesterday.
I probably played with her more than I have since she was born.
Made sure she looked at my face often.
We laughed.
I probably held her more than I should,
rocked her longer than she needed.
During one of those rocking sessions,
as she slept on my shoulder,
heartbeat to heartbeat,
I thought of the last 4 months and I began to cry.
I cannot get back these last 4 months
and I wondered if the bond between me
and my first sweet grandbaby was fused
in a way that she will remember.
Just as I said in an earlier blog,
she has been the only thing that has made me doubt
whether I should return to work.
Yesterday was a hard one for me,
of course I know there will be many more opportunities
for me to spend with her,
but the scheduled weekly visits will not be again until next summer.
I just have to keep reminding myself of all the other
days besides Thursdays that I moped around my house
with nothing to do, no one to talk to,
feeling like a prisoner in my own home to a chronic pain
that I refuse to rule my life.
Yes, there are more days like that than Jillaxing days.
I do know this, that when the work is no longer
something I can do, I am packing up,
moving closer to my Jillybean!

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