more for myself

This post is more for myself.

Time to put it down so I can let it "be gone"

When I realized that I could not work

I filed for disability retirement.

At first I didn't want to.

I felt like people would look at me like others

who are on disability and did not deserve it.

I hate labels, and although I am not one to care

what others think about me, this one was touchy.

I also knew that once going that route, I knew

that my working days were going to be over.

You see, in my mind I knew I could never do it again,

but my heart still hadn't grasped it, telling myself

that maybe in a few years I could find some type

of job in nursing that I could do.

HOBL convinced me that I needed to file for

disability. I have given 30 years to the profession and

I was too young to collect retirement.

We don't need the money, but to have my own income

does wonders for a self-esteem.

I decided that this was a right I had and I needed to pursue it.

We had heard how hard it is to get it and

how people usually have to appeal, get a lawyer to finally

win a disability claim.

HOBL and I did all the necessary work,

gathered information from the many physicians I have seen

for all the issues I have had.

We sent it all in.

In my mind, I thought that if this team of medical professionals,

this board did not think I met qualifications,

maybe I could do something part time.

HOBL said it wasn't going to happen as I finally

have gotten adjusted and having good days.

Two weeks ago we received a letter saying

the information was going to the board and within

the next 4 to 6 weeks I would have the verdict.

I haven't thought much of it, I was glad it was over.

I hated going to ask physicians to and ask them

to do the paperwork, gather records.

I don't know why but it made me feel like I was like

some others who are not truly disabled and file.

On Friday, a letter came in the mail, HOBL

opened it and in just two weeks, a determination

had been made. I was considered medically disabled

by a board of professionals.

No second doctors, no appeals, no lawyers.

It was over, deemed disabled.

I was happy, I was sad.

Happiness came with the fact that I had another

confirmation that I should not be working

and that I would be supplemented because of this finding.

It was not about the money, again.

It was about others who don't know me, who don't love me,

complete strangers, just looking at records

realizing without question that I could not work.

Sadness came for the very same reason.

A board of people who again, did not know me,

decided my career was over.

This is another door of closure.

Yet, it is real, I never again will hold a job in the

nursing field or any field for that matter.

I cried for this. Now my heart and head could be in

the same place at the same time.

Today, I am fine. I realize that this move

in this new home, although it had been done

before I received the findings,

was going to be a fresh new beginning.

I need that. A new start for a new life.

A new chapter to begin in new surroundings.

And as one of my sister's reminded me,

when I told her sis-in-law was here to recuperate

from surgery,

I am never going to stop nursing,

it's just in a different way.

I share this most personal information not to brag,

but to put it down in words always helps me

as well as sharing it with others may help

someone else going through these same predicament one day.

Love to all, happy Sunday!